Robert Zemeckis directs: A Christmas Carol, a two-man show starring Jim Carrey and Gary Oldman!

While I kid, the above is pretty much accurate. Back in November of last year, Erik posted that Oldman had joined the production that already had Carrey playing Ebenezer Scrooge, as well as the three ghosts who visit the old man to tell him the error of his ways. Now SciFi.com reports that Oldman is playing the rest of the production's big characters -- Tiny Tim, Bob Cratchit, and Marley. Considering the fact that Oldman played a little person in the largely ignored Tiptoes, I'm betting he can physically hit all of these performances out of the park. Why two stars are playing most of the characters, however, I have no idea. (I'm not complaining, but it is surprising.)

But I wonder: What about Cary Elwes? He was also mentioned to be a stand-in for Jim Carrey, while a reader swore he was acting alongside the two stars. Maybe he has all the secondary parts?

Wonderful as the classic family Christmas movies can be, the overwhelming sugary sweetness in most of them can be a little off-putting to adult audiences. I know my friends tend to gravitate more towards the R-rated holiday fare -- Die Hard, Bad Santa, The Ref, etc. Lord knows Hollywood doesn't want to be bothered coming up with original ideas, so I'm proposing seven remakes of Christmas family classics -- souped up for 2008 and aimed at the 17+ crowd. I've set up the plots and even suggested a possible director for each. Enjoy...

Michael Moore's A Christmas Carol

In Michael Moore's return to narrative filmmaking, George W. Bush plays with his shiny new train set, sets out cookies for Santa Claus, and falls asleep in his footie pajamas while watching Power Rangers. He is awoken in the middle of the night by The Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Georgie through his days of frat parties, draft dodging, drunk driving, and cocaine abuse. Even faced with hard evidence, Bush denies any involvement. The Ghost of Christmas Present takes Bush deep into a post-Katrina New Orleans, where Bush cracks jokes and enjoys some caramel corn. Stunned by Bush's lack of feeling, the ghost takes him to Iraq, where he sees what Christmas is like for U.S. soldiers. Bush yawns. He is sleepy. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Bush a world ravaged by the effects of global warming and America hated by countries all across the globe. "Not real concerned about my legacy, Future Dude" chuckles Bush, and he falls asleep safe in his bed. Bush wakes up twelve hours later, having learned absolutely nothing. As the movie ends, he runs over a homosexual couple with his truck and kicks a sick orphan in the face.

Many, many actors have played Ebenezer Scrooge. Not even counting all the various stage productions featuring the likes of Patrick Stewart, the movies and TV alone have brought us dozens, including George C. Scott, Bill Murray, Michael Caine, Albert Finney, Kelsey Grammer, Jack Palance, Jim Backus and Scrooge McDuck. It says a lot, then, that Alastair Sim is widely considered the best Scrooge of them all. And the film that he starred in, Brian Desmond Hurst's Scrooge -- released in 1951 in the U.S. as A Christmas Carol -- is likewise the definitive film adaptation.

Sim is known for this role above all; his only other two roles of note came in Alfred Hitchcock's Stage Fright (1950) and Peter Medak's The Ruling Class (1972). For one thing, Sim looks like Scrooge as Dickens might have imagined him; he has a kind of sour, pointy mouth and sunken, dagger-like eyes. His body is stovepipe lanky, and his wiry, white hair flies off in frightening angles. For another, he seems to understand Scrooge at some core level. Rather than a being of pure evil, this Scrooge comes from a place of sadness, loss, anger and regret. In one great scene, Scrooge has left the office on Christmas Eve and stops at a tavern for his meal. He orders more bread, but when he finds out that it will cost extra, he decides against it. His expression after the waiter leaves is nearly broken, crushed, as if that bread might have brought him his final bid at happiness.

On the surface, this is just a regular old casting story. But if you dig deeper, we spot an actor who's obviously desperate to pay off some credit card debt. But first, the news: Moviehole reports that Gary Oldman has joined the new 3D, mo-cap, blah blah version of A Christmas Carol, to be directed by Mo-Cap Man himself, Robert Zemeckis. Oldman, like the film's star Jim Carrey, will play an assortment of different roles. Carrey, of course, will be playing Ebenezer Scrooge, as well as the three ghosts who come along for the guilt trip. As Moviehole points out, "A Christmas Carol will feature a touch of live action and computer graphics, the latter of which ImageMovers employed in the Gil Kenan-directed Monster House."

Oh, but here's where it gets good (or depressing, depending on whether or not you're related to Cary Elwes): The actor hasn't nabbed a role in the film. Instead, he's standing in for Jim Carrey when the actor isn't available. Yes, Cary Elwes has officially become a stand-in. Just to give you a tad more info in case you didn't know: Ten years ago, Elwes starred opposite Carrey in Liar Liar. Now, he's had to settle for Carrey's stand-in. What happened there? Should we send a basket ... or something? I feel bad. Anyway, Moviehole also squashes the rumor that Tom Hanks will be playing Bob Cratchit. They claim he "has no part in the movie." Hint, nudge ... Elwes. A Christmas Carol is currently set to arrive on November 6, 2009.

In a recent interview, character actor extraordinaire Bob Hoskins let some pretty big news slip regarding an upcoming Robert Zemeckis project. Says Hoskins: "He's going to make A Christmas Carol with Jim Carrey." Yes, it looks like director Zemeckis is prepping yet another adaptation of the Charles Dickens classic, utilizing the motion capture animation technology he used in The Polar Express and the upcoming Beowulf. And if we're to believe Hoskins, Jim Carrey will star in the film, although the article doesn't say which role he's got. Maybe he'll play multiple roles like Tom Hanks did in Polar Express? I think it's safe to assume Carrey will at least take on Ebenezer Scrooge, and If that's the case, the actor will have played the two most legendary Christmas haters of all time -- Scrooge and The Grinch. What does Carrey have against the holiday? Is it some sort of "Phoebe Cates in Gremlins" repressed childhood memory?

Hoskins has worked with Zemeckis before, he played Eddie Valiant in one of my favorite films -- Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Asked about his role in A Christmas Carol, Hoskins says "He (Zemeckis) wants me to play Mr Fezziwig. He's doing it in that way he did Polar Express. You stand in a box with that funny suit on and it reads everything you do...Am I going to do it? Of course I am!" Hoskins as Fezziwig -- I like it. I'm not sure when Zemeckis decided motion capture is the only way to make films. I sure do hope he returns to traditional filmmaking at some point, the guy's made some great movies. I suppose he's got every reason to go back to the Christmas well after the seasonal success of Polar Express in IMAX. I liked Polar Express and all (the bizarre "Hot Chocolate!" musical number excluded), but does the world really need another version of A Christmas Carol? That has got to be one of the most filmed stories of all time. I guess it does generally work, especially when Bill Murray or The Muppets are involved. Would you guys see this one?

I think there needs to be a commandment in Hollywood that goes something like this: "Thou shalt not remake a movie if there has already been a Muppet version of the story thou want to tell." If that rule had been etched on a tablet long ago, it would have kept Universal from deciding that the world needs another version of A Christmas Carol, which was quite ably done by Kermit and friends almost 15 years ago. But it wasn't, and they did. Universal's version, however will give the story an Exciting Twist!: It will be told through the eyes of Scrooge (ooh, edgy!), so we'll finally get to see what a pain in the ass that Bob Cratchit really is.

The one plus in this whole thing is that the film is going to be directed by Lasse Hallström, who at least knows what he's doing. It remains to be seen, of course, whether the screenplay (by Todd Komarnicki, primarily a producer) will give him anything to work with.