a dungeon siege tale Tagged Articles at Cinematical

I suppose that reviewing an Uwe Boll film is a lot like having a fancy restaurant critic do a write-up on McDonald's new McGristle sandwich -- but I'm not "fancy" by any definition of the word, and I've grown madly in love with Uwe Boll's enthusiastically slipshod filmmaking techniques. So to those who thought miracles were actually possible, I have some disappointing news: Boll's latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, is every bit as consistently awful as the director's earlier offerings -- only it's 126 minutes long. And that's just not fair.

Also unfair is the stunningly blatant way in which Mr. Boll tries to rip off the Lord of the Rings trilogy in this chintzy little epic. Every other sequence has a musical cue, a costume, a bit of dialog, or a background character that just fell off the Hobbit truck. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Uwe Boll just spent 126 minutes telling Peter Jackson how thin, talented and gorgeous he is. To be completely fair, I did notice a few components (mainly the action scene editing and a few moments of strangely effective cinematography) that manage to improve upon films like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead and BloodRayne -- but really, you could probably improve upon those three movies using only a cell phone camera and a powerful flashlight.

For a flick that runs two hours, the plot is distressingly skimpy: Villains are ransacking the countryside, so a farmer called Farmer takes up arms, grabs a few sidekicks, and heads out to destroy the evil and perpetually cackling Boss Villain. That's it, really. But we're not going to see an Uwe Boll video game adaptation for the plot, are we? No. We're usually watching his flicks for the sheer unintentional hilarity of it all, but King is even better because it's an ensemble piece! We've got...

And the Boll just keeps on rolling. Our excellent new guy Kevin Kelly recently shared some sequel news regarding Dr. Uwe Boll, but I hope you'll forgive me for expelling just a little extra information -- and venom ...

As if it weren't enough to treat our planet to the ultra-junkernaut trilogy that is House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and BloodRayne, to bitch about his well-earned and frequent criticisms, and to pummel a bunch of skinny kids into submission in a boxing ring ...

As if it weren't enough to threaten us with Seed, Postal and (god help us) In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale ... the guy's got more love yet to give: According to one of JoBlo's scoopers, Dr. Boll is planning not only that sequel called BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, but also something that's being described as "a sequel to Alone in the Dark." Argh! Nerdbuzz indicates that Kristanna Loken will be returning to play Ms. Rayne, and also that Christian Slater may be returning for his own indecipherable sequel. (Hey, actors gotta eat.)

Oh Uwe. Frankly, I just love this guy. He makes my job fun. He really does. I mean, how many filmmakers would be confident enough to mount sequels to flicks this amazingly bad? OK, Adam Shankman might, true. That's an easy one, but most filmmakers generally try to separate themselves from earlier failures -- whereas Bollman seems to revel in his cinematic travesties like a pigs wallows in their own ... well ... poop.

But hey, bring on the sequels, I say. Unintentional hilarity is still hilarity.

In between finishing his latest movie, starting up his next TWO, and threatening to beat the snot out of any film critics who don't like it, Dr. Uwe Boll has also found time to string together an all-new trailer for his next magnum opus. The good news is that it's not a horror movie; the bad news is that, yes, it's another movie based on a video game. (Well, based on a video game and every movie from Lord of the Rings to Krull, it seems.)

It's called In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, as if to imply that there might be more than one tale worth telling, yikes, and it stars (get this) Jason Statham (Transporter!), Matthew Lillard (Shaggy!), Burt Reynolds (Bandit!), John Rhys-Davies (Sallah!), Leelee Sobieski (Helen Hunt Jr!), DTV Queen Claire Forlani, Ron Perlman (Hellboy!), Kristanna Loken (Bloodrayne!), Will Sanderson (who?), and a very nefarious-looking Ray Liotta! Jeez o man ... I look at it this way: If I were at a backyard barbecue, and the aforementioned actors got really drunk, threw on some Mordor costumes, and started slapping each other with swords ... damn, that'd be fun to watch.

Originally rumored to be a sprawling two-part epic, Dungeon Siege now looks to be your standard adventure movie length, thank jeebus for small favors. And despite the fact that I've seen and appropriately ridiculed every Uwe Boll movie out there, I must admit that I can't wait to see THIS one! Mwaha!