If you've ever had a bad first date -- and in the age of internet match-ups, it's all the more likely you've had at least a disappointing one -- you're not alone. Thanks to the awkwardness of getting to know somebody, and the nervousness that comes with that, it's a wonder any of us ever have good first dates. But as much as we end up fixating on the failure of a single bad date, we must remember that it's a part of life and has been since the dawn of man, when Adam had to deal with Eve ordering the forbidden item on the menu. Also, we must realize that it's all relative and there's always a worse date out there than the worst we've ever had. Often (and especially because it's Valentine's Day this Thursday), it's a good idea to look to the movies, and compare our worst first date to the worst first dates in cinema:


License to Drive (1988)

Imagine you're all set to get your driver's license, and the hottest girl in school has agreed to go out with you the night you pass the exam. But you don't pass the exam. Then you steal your grandpa's car. Then your date drinks too much and passes out for the rest of the night. Oh, and it only gets worse from there. License to Drive is just one of many films that shows us that a first date can be a crazy mix of Murphy's Law and the snowball effect. Also, like many comedies, it teaches us that an automobile can be destroyed many times over, and that it might be best if our first time driving, as well as our first time dating, be with a car that has little value.

The ever-enthusiastic Pete Hammond of Maxim says the following about American Pie Presents Beta House:

"...may be the most outrageous slice of pie yet!"

Ahem. With all due respect to Mr. Hammond (who also called Wild Hogs "hysterically funny" and Evan Almighty "a great time at the movies"), I think a more appropriate (or at least honest) quote for the DVD cover might be:

"Slightly more amusing to sit through than the two previous entries, but really ... that's not much of a compliment."

Strange but true, schlock-lovers, but after suffering through the ceaseless miseries of American Pie Presents Band Camp and American Pie Presents The Naked Mile, I was obviously expecting the worst from American Pie Presents Beta House. And I don't think that's me being unfair, really. (One need only get smacked in the face with cow shit twice before one gets a little skittish around cows.) So I popped the disc in, all smug and superior, and ... what the hell? A few early chuckles? (Thanks mainly to a profane cameo appearance by Christopher McDonald, but still.) The connection to American Pie, American Pie 2 and American Wedding is this: Eugene Levy shows up (once again) to wiggle his wacky eyebrows and earn a quick check.

Beta House takes a few listless jabs at what could charitably be termed "plot threads," but really the movie's nothing more than a barely-connected series of set-pieces that are obsessed with one of two things: Female breasts and male semen. (Not to be overtly vulgar, but I've seen hardcore porn with less hooters and "money shots" than are found in Beta House. Now THERE'S a blurb for the DVD cover!) When the movie's not pandering to your basic lust for nipples and/or bodily excretions, it's ostensibly about a group of college freshmen (one of whom is named Stifler) who aim to pledge a frat. Yeah, that's it. But there's a small silver lining to be found buried beneath all the sophomoric silliness, frequent expulsions of vomit, and head-slap-obvious "man juice" jokes...

His latest movie, Sydney White, only debuted in the number six spot at the box office over the weekend, but Joe Nussbaum already has his next movie lined up. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the director will helm B.F.F., which was written by Sydney scribe Chad Creasey and his wife, Sydney co-producer Dara Resnik Creasey. The plot involves a boy and girl who meet in high school, become "B.F.F." (best friends forever) and eventually fall in love. Sounds like another sweet teen movie, right? Well, yes, it sounds like that, but apparently the movie, which could be nicknamed "Four Proms and a Funeral" based on THR's given synopsis, will be intended as an R-rated comedy in the tradition of American Pie and, of course, Superbad. In the career of Nussbaum, this does make some sense. After making his Hollywood debut with the innocent teen movie Sleepover, he made the DTV sequel American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile. Then he came back with the innocent with Sydney White and now is going raunchy again. It could be a pattern. We'll see, though I'm not sure where his breakout short spoof George Lucas in Love would fit in.

More than anything, B.F.F. reminds me of Whatever It Takes, which I only found funny because James Franco played a character with my name. I guess that wasn't the first or only movie to be about co-ed best friends who finally fall in love, but I guess B.F.F.'s prom thing made me think of WIT's own It's a Wonderful Life-ripped-off prom dance scene. Anyway, if Nussbaum can cross that movie with Superbad, it might not be so terrible. Okay, yeah, it will probably be really awful. But I bet it will make more money than Sydney White, which has so far taken home just over $5 million, which is still better than Sleepover's opening gross of just over $4 million.

All this writing about sex, and I'm going to need a cold shower ... or two. Nothing makes a movie more memorable than a fantastic sex scene. If Jim hadn't tried to stick his "down there pal" into a pie, would American Pie be the classic that it is today? Would Brokeback Mountain still have been a major Oscar contender had Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger not attacked one another like a couple of wild (and horny) animals? Heck, Halle Berry chose the right script and the right time to let her guard down and roll around on a couch with Billy Bob Thornton -- and what did it get her? Yup, her first Oscar. And I can't be the only one to immediately think of the film Wild Things when I hear the names Neve Campbell and Denise Richards.

Let's face it -- sex sells. And sex also helps a mediocre film become one that's talked about for years on end. That said, those devious folks over at Moviefone have compiled a list of what they feel are the 25 Best Sex Scenes of All Time. All of the above aforementioned films are included (although I would've placed Monster's Ball ahead of the puppet sex featured in Team America: World Police), as well as more of our most favorite (and most heated, steamy -- orgasmic?) scenes and films like Bound (lesbian sex), Secretary (work sex), Unfaithful (adulterous sex), Boogie Nights (porn star sex) and the always-enjoyable Y Tu Mama Tambien (foreign-language sex). So take a look at their list, then come (hehe) back here and let us know which ones flow and which, well, blow.

Since I lost track of these weak, straight-to-DVD American Pie sequels at some point after the fourth installment, I'm kind of going at this with a blind eye. Apparently, a direct sequel to last year's American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile is already in the works (making it the sixth Pie-related film to hit the streets), with pre-production taking place in Toronto as we speak. American Pie Presents: Beta House will feature the same four dudes (John White, Ross Thomas, Jake Siegel and Steve Talley) from Naked Mile, only this time they're all grown up and heading to college. Beta House? College? Hmm, I smell a frat-related teen sex comedy heading our way.

In fact, that's exactly what happens. Pic centers on Erik Stifler and his cousin Dwight Stifler (who, I imagine, are both cousins of the original Steve Stifler). Upon entering college, Erik (apart from his name ending in a 'K,' sadly, the two of us have nothing in common) joins the Beta House, lands a girlfriend and goes to war against the evil GEK house who -- you guessed it -- are out to destroy the weaker frats with their money, brains and guys named Bret. Right now, casting is underway for Erik's main squeeze Ashley. Moviehole describes her as being "super cute, confident, together, instantly comfortable in the new collegiate surroundings, she is a catch." Basically, she's every girl that wouldn't date you in college. Andrew Walker will direct, with Joel Soisson and Keith Birder producing. No word on whether Eugene Levy will once again make his "purely for the money" cameo. Anyone out there actually watch The Naked Mile? Is it any good? Are these American Pie Presents flicks worth a spot on my Netflix queue?

Now that Paramount has hired Louis Feola to head its direct-to-video (DTV) division, the studio is hoping for a lucrative business of cheap sequels. Paramount made a small attempt last year with Save the Last Dance 2, but it wasn't nearly as successful as the small-screen hits that Universal has been dumping out. Feola used to work for Universal Home Entertainment, where he oversaw DTV sequels to American Pie, Darkman and Tremors.

According to Variety, Feola will be mining through Paramount's back catalog, including the films of Paramount Classics, Paramount Vantage, MTV and Nickelodeon, to produce 4-6 sequels, each budgeted at less than $10 million. The first, which has yet to be determined, will be released in late 2008. Variety mentions sequels to Airplane! and The Naked Gun, but the trade is probably just speculating with these titles.

Although I hate the idea of DTV sequels, I have some ideas of Paramount films that could be exploited without upsetting too many fans. The following could be easily and cheaply made and could also provide guilty pleasures to the same kind of people who enjoy the American Pie spinoffs: Teen Wolf, Hiding Out, Summer School and Ladybugs -- of course, each of these would have to be made more R-rated than the originals. Maybe they can even restart the Meatballs franchise?

All the King's Men -- An all-star cast delivers an all-night snoozer. Sean Penn's spittle-intensive tirades aside, there's just not a whole lot to enjoy here. Extras include five featurettes, some deleted scenes and a really terrible front cover.

American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile -- It's official: "American Pie" is officially the new "National Lampoon." I mean, how creative do you have to be to make an entire movie out of ONE Van Wilder joke? Extra wackiness includes frat-style featurettes, deleted scenes and oh-so-uproarious outtakes.

Fearless and Invincible -- One's a Jet Li kick-fest period piece, the other's a Marky Wahlberg Philly-based football flick. I just like the way the titles sound together.

Lady in the Water -- I really love that he shoots in Philly, but this Shyamalan dude is getting pretty silly. (Six-part behind-the-scenes documentary, featurette, deleted scenes, audition footage, gag reel, trailer.)

Little Miss Sunshine -- One of the year's best indies is slowly turning into a dark-horse Oscar pick. (I'm betting on Best Screenplay and Best Arkin.) Extras include a filmmaker commentary, four alternate endings, music video and trailers.

My Super Ex-Girlfriend -- Underrated rom-com that's sure to find a home on DVD. Uma's dreamy, Luke Wilson is actually funny, and there's some goofy FX stuff too. Extras include a music video and some deleted scenes.

National Lampoon's Pledge This! -- Good god! An American Pie AND a National Lampoon on the same day? And this one stars Paris Hilton? Are we being punished for something??

A Scanner Darkly -- Linklater's finely freaky rendition of P.K. Dick's short story will earn love and scorn in equal measure ... but I'm pretty much split right down the middle. Perhaps the multi-participant commentary track will decipher some of the mysteries, plus there's a pair of featurettes and some trailers.

Step Up -- Wait, is this the one about gymnastics? Volleyball? Girl surfers? No, wait. It's dancing! Yeah, teenagers who step up and dance! Yeah, go dancers. Anyway, extras include a filmmaker commentary, some deleted scenes, bloopers, featurettes and MySpace tie-ins.

The Wicker Man -- Neil La Bute went temporarily crazy and decided to remake one of the all-time cult-classic creepers. Why he did it is still sort of a mystery to me, even if I was one of the very few film critics who actually enjoyed (part of) this remake. Extras include a filmmaker commentary, some trailers and an all-new ending that wasn't seen in theaters ... as if the theatrical-version epilogue wasn't silly enough.

I guess I'm partially to blame, not only because I happened to like all three of the American Pie movies, but also because I wrote pretty positive reviews on the whole trilogy. So yes, blame me that a FIFTH American Pie movie is now in the works, even if I did call the nigh unwatchable American Pie Presents: Band Camp "a seamy and distasteful haze of misogyny, gay-hating and plain old ugliness."

Well, screw what I had to say, because Band Camp went on to be a huge seller on DVD. So huge, in fact, that Universal has given a bunch of filmmakers a few stray million to make American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile. Seriously. This franchise has gotten so flimsy that not even Eugene Levy shows up anymore, and we're talking about an actor who collected a paycheck for New York Minute, Dumb & Dumberer, The Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, and (yes) Band Camp.

Here's the plot: Stifler's cousin doesn't want to graduate from high school a virgin. Eh? Eh? You can just smell the comedy dripping off the concept. Apparently "streaking" comes up as an important plot point.

Starring a bunch of young people I've never heard of and the generally fantastic character actor Christopher McDonald (dude, why?), American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile will be directed by Joe Nussbaum, who once made a splash by creating George Lucas in Love -- before going on to become a studio robot by directing Sleepover. The screenplay comes from a guy called Erik Lindsay, who has never written a screenplay before, although (to be fair) he was a production assistant on Con Air and had a bit part in the execrable Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice.

Needless to say, American Pie 5 will be a big hit on DVD.

Way before American Pie came along and re-defined the teenage sex comedy, there was a little film from 1982 called The Last American Virgin. When I ask people whether or not they've ever seen this flick, nine out of ten times the answer is no. However, in my mind, The Last American Virgin has every right to stand alongside beloved cheesy 80's classics like Weird Science, The Breakfast Club, Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Pretty in Pink. Why? Well, it's just that awesome. Oh, and it has an unbelievable soundtrack. Yay Journey!

When we examine the majority of teenage comedies from the 80's, themes of virginity and pregnancy are everywhere. Heck, these were big topics back then -- young girls getting knocked up, forced to find a way to pay for an abortion. And, on the flip side, virginity was being used as a major character flaw. Instead of rooting for our hero to save the day, all we wanted him to do was get laid. Today, your standard teenage sex comedy tends to stay away from any kind of heavy dramatic element like pregnancy and abortion, choosing to focus more on elaborate set pieces and raunchy jokes to carry a film.

Every once in a awhile, I like to do something different with the little thing we call Trailer Park. Seeing as today is Father's Day (in the US, anyway), I figured we ought to take a look back at some of the great movie dads over the years -- dig up some old trailers and pay tribute to the man, the myth, the legend -- the Dad.

Like with real fathers, movie fathers come with a whole host of flaws. These aren't the perfect men by any means, but if there's one thing they all have in common, it's that they love their family. Sure, they may not understand why their kids refuse to be around them and constantly argue their decisions but, at the end of the day, everything always seems to work out ... unless your last name is Corleone.

What follows are the trailers for five films in which Dad is the hero ... or villain, depending on how you look at things. Personally, these are some of my favorite movie fathers. While they may not be the greatest of all time, I've found something inside each one of them to connect with on, ya know, one of them higher levels. We're celebrating Father's Day in this week's Trailer Park: