cinematicalmas2007 Tagged Articles at Cinematical

OK, so this is theoretical: Charles Dickens died in 1870, about 25 years before the very first motion pictures were shown. He published A Christmas Carol in 1843, when he was about thirty, which would have put his fictitious Ebenezer Scrooge several years older, with even less chance of ever having seen any movies. So we're just imagining that if Scrooge was around today, and still hated Christmas, but loved movies -- and preferred to spend Christmas alone watching mean, dark Christmas stories -- then these might be his favorites. A Happy Humbug -- er... Holidays to all!

1. Bad Santa (2003)
Of course: Billy Bob Thornton's Willie T. Soke has gone down as perhaps the greatest Christmas curmudgeon since the Grinch, and even Scrooge himself. His beautifully crafted dialogue is like an opera of swear words, soaring over the proceedings like the wings of drunken, unwashed angels. Terry Zwigoff's masterful direction walks an impossible line between vicious and sweet, hilarious and human. (Note: avoid the theatrical cut and the bogus "Badder Santa" version, and stick with the superior, official Director's Cut.)

2. Black Christmas (1974)
Bob Clark directed everyone's holiday favorite, A Christmas Story, but nine years earlier he made this horror masterpiece about the first holiday serial killer, a nasty piece of work who torments a girl's sorority house on the eve of the holiday break. But these girls (including Margot Kidder and Olivia Hussey) are no innocent Cindy Lou Whos; they can out-drink and out-curse any slasher. Even Scrooge wouldn't accept the dreadful 2006 remake, however.

Lots of people say that it isn't easy buying gifts for people, but I have to disagree. Unless you have almost zero contact with a person, it's easy to just keep a few mental notes about their likes and find a gift that's at least moderately suitable. But with the advent of the Internet and a sweet little service called eBay, it became ridiculously easy to put in less effort and get even better gifts -- especially for the rabid movie geek. The site is a veritable smorgasbord of movie memorabilia. Remember a few key words from past conversations, and you can come up with tongue-twisting gifting greatness -- memorable movie memorabilia.

Yeah, some of it is beyond ridiculously-priced. I'm still bummed that I couldn't buy a few Buffy auction pieces a few years ago when the show ended, but not all of it is made for Mr. or Ms. Moneybags. There's also funky Buy it Now stuff, and little trinkets from films that never come close to the dreaded 4-figures. What follows is a list of current auction goodies that could make you the best Santa ever. Some are always available, others are rare, funky finds, and all of it is something that'd be special and unique. And remember -- be a smart bidder.

Detergent Container from Superbad - Auction Ends 12/19

Who knows how pricey this item will get when it hits its end date on December 19, but as I'm writing this on Saturday morning, it's current $10.50. Sure, that price is guaranteed to go up, but it's still a heck of a cheap price for a highly-recognizable prop from this summer's best comedy. Team this puppy with a picture of Jonah Hill running with the detergent containers and the prop's certificate of authenticity, and you'll become a gift-giving God to any fan of Judd Apatow, Hill, and all that is Superbad.

Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas is not technically Tim Burton's. He produced the film and conceived it, but it was, in fact, written by Caroline Thompson (Edward Scissorhands) and directed by Henry Selick (who later helmed the bizarre but unjustly hated Monkeybone). Still, you feel Burton in every single frame. As audiences eagerly await Burton's Sweeney Todd, I thought this would be an ideal time to look back at his previous stab at the musical genre.

The story of Nightmare is a simple one. Jack Skellington (voiced by Prince Humperdinck himself -- Chris Sarandon, with composer Danny Elfman handling singing duties) is the "Pumpkin King" of Halloweentown, but he has become bored in the role. He literally stumbles into a place called Christmas Town, loves what he sees, and decides to hijack the holiday. Skellington even (in the film's funniest segment) takes over the gift delivery duties for Santa Claus ("Sandy Claws"). And of course, there's a not entirely necessary love interest -- Sally, voiced by an unrecognizable Catherine O'Hara.

Speaking of Elfman, the scores he has written for Tim Burton's films are some of the most memorable in modern film. Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman/Batman Returns, and Edward Scissorhands wouldn't have been nearly as wonderful without Elfman's glorious music. In The Nightmare Before Christmas, the music of Elfman is front and center, and his songs -- whose staccato rhythms and mixture of singing and speaking certainly owe a debt to Sweeney Todd composer Stephen Sondheim -- suit the film perfectly. The catchiest of Elfman's tunes is "What's This?" It's the kind of song you'll find yourself singing days later, during the most mundane of activities. Just this morning, I walked into the bathroom singing "What's this, what's this? My toothbrush on the sink! What's this, what's this? I'll brush my teeth I think!" Thank God I live alone.

When you ask people to name their favorite holiday movies, the same answers crop up everywhere: It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Miracle on 34th Street, and perhaps some version of A Christmas Carol (Muppet Christmas Carol and Scrooged seem most popular these days). A few people might try to be different and name Die Hard or Bad Santa, and a few traditionalists might reminisce about Meet Me in St. Louis. And of course there's the Silent Night, Deadly Night crowd. Personally, I would have to bring up Auntie Mame.

But the movies I'm about to mention have only a few fans these days. Most are widely available on DVD, and are not shown very often during the holiday season. Some are forgotten treasures, some date badly. One is a well-known Oscar winner that may be too depressing for some New Year's Eve viewers. But if you are tired of watching Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed, or have had enough of the leg lamp and the Red Ryder BB gun, consider some of these films for your holiday viewing ... if you can find them.

Gremlins was released in 1984, the summer I turned 10. I saw it with my cousin. We loved it. I bought the novelization and read it repeatedly. (It says Gizmo is an extra-terrestrial!) I bought a plush Gizmo toy that squeaked when you shook it. My school folders were festooned with Gremlins stickers, drawings, and other merchandise. To me, Gremlins was a perfect horror movie -- scary and fun with some humor thrown in for good measure.

Then I grew up and the Internet happened and I started to read other people's views on the film. Apparently it was a dark comedy? What?! That scene where Kate tells Billy how her dad died on Christmas Eve -- that was supposed to be morbidly funny, not sad? Huh.

With new eyes I watched Gremlins again recently, the first time in at least 15 years. Sure enough, it does play better as a macabre spoof of 1950s monster movies -- in fact, that's the only way the illogical and arbitrary "don't feed them after midnight" rule can even work: as a parody of illogical and arbitrary rules. Kate's story really is funny, as are the other juxtapositions of horror and Christmas (Santa Claus mobbed by gremlins, the monsters posing as Christmas carolers, etc.).

A few things struck me in particular this time around. First, as a protagonist, Billy (Zach Galligan) is pretty useless. He's painted as a nice guy with ambitions of being a cartoonist, but for some reason he still lives in his parents' attic, has a dead-end job at a bank, and drives a car that doesn't work. He's a loser. He manages to save his mother from a gremlin (after she's already taken care of three others by herself, thank you very much), and he succeeds in dispatching a theater full of others later on by doing something that doesn't take much brains or bravery: he sets it on fire. In the climax, it's Gizmo who saves the day while an injured Billy watches helplessly.

Billy is also kind of stupid. When Kate tells him she doesn't celebrate Christmas, he says, "What, are you Hindu or something?" That's not just insensitive, but clueless, too: In the United States, wouldn't Jewish be your first guess? I'm just sayin'.

I entirely sympathize with people that complain about the press (or bloggers or fanboys or "the Internet community") over-hyping certain movies because I feel the same way about holiday flicks in general. It's like the "Small World" ride/attraction at Disneyland: the first time you hear "It's a Small World," you think, "OK, fairly inoffensive little song, nice message, good for the kids" but by the end of the ride -- and the 50 millionth rendition -- you want to take a baseball bat to all the speakers in the vicinity and, oh yeah, smash yourself over the head too, to properly bid the song good riddance.

That's just me, though. I realize I may be walking out onto a plank solo with my choices, but these are the holiday movies for which I've developed an unreasoning, out of proportion hatred -- the mere mention of which drives me insane. In some cases I've tried to watch them, sometimes repeatedly, to see what others enjoy so much, but I'm afraid it's a lost cause. Apologies in advance if you're offended; please don't take it as a rejection of your values, morals, or good sense. These are not reviews, they are notes on films I couldn't finish or simply hate on principle. For the record, I don't have a knee-jerk reaction to ALL holiday movies, or movies set during the holidays; I came to enjoy most of It's a Wonderful Life (up to that sentimental ending with James Stewart running down the street), and really dig The Nightmare Before Christmas, Gremlins, Die Hard, and Lethal Weapon.

1. A Christmas Story

I've tried, I've tried, I've tried. I've started at the beginning, I've come back in the middle, I've come back near the end, and the charms of this film still elude me. All due respect to the late Jean Sheperd, but how does his voice not drive you folks up the wall? To me, he sounds like nails on a chalkboard. And he never shuts up! Combined with the kid's unrelenting desire for a BB gun, it just seems to me like one long whine for a present. In general, the tone is far too precious for me. Maybe I heard too many stories from my father about growing up in poverty during the 1930s to enjoy a warm-hearted family tale set in the 1940s. (For an entirely different perspective, read why my boss thinks you should watch it for 24 hours straight.)

Growing up, I was enamored with the classic movies and shows of Disney. I'm not just talking about the animated feats of films like Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella; I'm also talking about all the live-action fare -- the original Mickey Mouse Club and flicks like The Parent Trap, Darby O'Gill and the Little People, Summer Magic, and of course, Babes in Toyland -- the Disney remake of Victor Herbert's operetta and the Laurel and Hardy version in 1934. Now this flick wasn't a total Christmas movie, but considering the fact that part of it concerns making toys in Toyland for Christmas, it always rested in my collection of Santa flicks that were pulled out every year.

It was the 1960s, and Babes in Toyland dealt with a fantasy land where fairy tales and children's rhymes came to life, and inventions followed one's imagination, rather than scientific law. In this world, some people live in shoes, Little Bo Peep tends to her sheep, and Jack likes jumping over his candlestick. Mary Contrary (Annette Funicello) and Tom Piper (Tommy Sands) are two young "lovers" about to get married, although they haven't even shared a kiss. Every time Tom tries, Mary diverts his lippy attention, whether with a subtle turn of the head, or a...carnation? Nevertheless, this couple is to be married the next day.

It is an honor and a pleasure to welcome you to Cinematical's annual 12 Days of Cinematicalmas! [Waits for a soft round of golf claps.] Beginning today, we'll do our part in counting down the days before Santa stuffs his fat ass through chimneys around the world by bringing you 12 days of fantastic holiday-related content. You want lists? We've got them. Retro reviews for some of your favorite all-time holiday-related flicks? They'll be there. Plenty of content to devour and disagree with? You bet your naughty-list ass! Before we bid a fond farewell to the year that was 2007 (and trust me, our farewell will indeed be a fond one), why not sit back, take a deep breath, and thank Jesus' birth for bringing us films like the one pictured above. Monika and Peter will kick things off tonight, and we hope you enjoy. (Oh, and please try to keep the hatin' to a minimum -- tis' this is a time for joy, after all.)

To get the ball rolling, here's a clip from my favorite Christmas flick of all time.