What Silent Bob giveth, Silent Bob taketh away... or, at least, taketh down, which is why one can no longer give the Zack and Miri Make a Porno teaser a look-see until the MPAA gives it the once-over.

The online-only teaser, while filled with writer-director's Kevin Smith expectedly raunchy dialogue, does not actually feature any footage from the finished film, but according to Smith's recent News Askew post, that is a stipulation unseen by the Ratings Board, which must approve all marketing materials for any film.

"We're now officially submitting the teaser to the MPAA for rating," said Smith. "If they approve it, we'll put it back up." He does make a point of mentioning how a mere two years ago, he posted similarly crude internet-exclusive trailers for Clerks II with nary a complaint.

Until the MPAA hands down its formal red-band (or is it yellow-band?) decree, here's a link to our initial post on the teaser's arrival last week -- a post on which the teaser just so happens to still work...

[via /Film]

"Are you okay?"
"I'm disgusted and repulsed and ... I can't look away."

--Clerks II

After watching Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay with me, my husband remarked, "That may be the most deliberately offensive film I've seen." However, he also pointed out that he'd been laughing his head off most of the time. My first thought was that if the Harold and Kumar sequel was the most offensive thing he'd seen in awhile, maybe he needed to go to QT Fest with me next time, or watch some of those bizarre midnight movies at Alamo Drafthouse. (And what, did he forget we saw Borat together last year?)

But afterwards, I started wondering ... how many intentionally offensive comedies have we seen and loved? I'm not thinking about provocative or transgressive films that try to make you stop and think about your life. I'm talking about movies that, when they succeed, evoke that amazing moment in which your jaw has plummeted to the floor in disbelief as a bubble of laughter starts to force its way out of you and will send you to the floor along with your dropped jaw, in hysteria. I'll put up with revolting, sacrilegious, and downright repellent content in a film if it makes me laugh hard enough. Can I think of seven movies that meet such a high standard for offensive comedy? It's more like seven times seven, and difficult to pick only a few of my favorites. Feel free to share any movies that you think I neglected to include -- bear in mind that in some cases, I simply didn't like the movie enough to get past the offensive bits (the Jackass films), or although I liked the movie, wasn't offended (The Aristocrats).

Being one to not leave his fans hanging, Kevin Smith has responded to those claims that Rosario Dawson will not be starring opposite (Smith's keeping this a secret for now) in his upcoming comedy Zack and Miri Make a Porno. MTV Movies Blog first reported the news; they had asked Dawson about Zack and Miri during an interview, and she basically told them that her schedule would not permit it. She had signed onto the film Eagle Eye (to be directed by D.J. Caruso based off an idea from Steven Spielberg), and since skipping that film would force her to sit on her ass for a few months waiting for Zack and Miri to start, it just wasn't meant to be. With the threat of a strike and all, who can blame her?

Smith certainly doesn't. And while he's bummed out about not being able to cast the girl he wrote the part for, he also goes on to talk about how this same exact thing has happened to him on practically every film he's directed. He says: "I rewrote "Dogma" with Joey Lauren Adams in mind for the lead and Sam Jackson as Rufus. The parts wound up going to Linda Fiorentino and Chris Rock instead. I wrote the first fifty pages of "Jersey Girl" for Bill Murray and Joey Lauren Adams. The parts wound up going to Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. I wrote "Clerks II" with my wife Jen in mind to play Becky. Then, we went to Liv Tyler, Bryce Dallas Howard, Ellen Pompeo, and Sarah Silverman, before ultimately casting... Rosario Dawson. And Rosario did such an amazing job in that flick, that I wanted to put her in the next flick - "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" But alas, it's not to be."

According to Smith, Zack and Miri is currently scheduled to begin shooting in January, with pre-production gearing up somewhere around early November. That leaves plenty of time to find a new female lead, and while I adore Dawson just as much as the next guy (I swear, I have dreams about that dance in Clerks 2), there are plenty of other fish in the sea. God, I feel like I'm giving my friend advice after his prom date ditched him at the last minute for a bottle of tequila and a dude with a trust fund. And speaking of proms, Smith also posted a ton of photos from his 37th birthday bash -- including pics of his MILF, er, wife, daughter and tons of other partygoers. Happy B-Day Kev, and here's hoping your belated gift comes in the form of an actress that will totally kill in the role.

Sad news kicking off the weekend, that ABC film critic Joel Siegel has passed away from colon cancer at the age of 63. Siegel, known for his quips and puns, especially about movies he didn't like, also published a book a few years ago called Lessons for Dylan: From Father to Son, after he found out that he was going to be a first-time father at the age of 57 -- and that he might not live long enough to see his son be born.

Siegel's colleague at ABC, Bill Blakemore, writes in a piece paying homage to Siegel that the critic battled his cancer with "astonishing courage and humor," making Blakemore and other colleagues laugh in an elevator just two weeks ago by quipping that the number of penguin movies being made would soon "outnumber the penguins themselves."

Siegel made waves almost a year ago when he walked out of Kevin Smith's film Clerks 2, loudly complaining about the film -- and sparking a raving feud between himself and Smith that started when Smith posted about the walkout on his blog. The two famously ended up debating each other about Siegel's walkout live on CBS radio's "Opie and Anthony Show," when Siegel told Smith, "If you'd like an apology, I'm glad to apologize. This was indeed the first movie I've walked out on in 30 years. If there's a second movie I walk out on, I'll be much quieter."

Courtesy of The Reeler (with a hat tip to Movie City News for the pointer there), here's Siegel reviewing a stage version of Stephen King's horror novel Carrie -- Carrie: The Musical (has there ever been a worse idea for an adaptation?) -- which features Siegel deadpanning a dreadful song from the play ("It's a simple little gig, you help me kill a pig, and I've got some uses for the blood -- Pig, pig! Blood, blood!"). Hard to believe he sat through that play from start to finish (the costumes and choreography are as bad as the lyrics), but found Clerks 2 too much to stomach -- but it's an entertaining review nonetheless, and typical of Siegel's style.

We at Cinematical send our condolences to Siegel's wife and young son, and all the friends and colleagues who knew him well and loved him for his humor and grace.

Now that we're four days into the New Year, I'll bet you thought you were safe from all those "Best of 2006" lists and year-end summaries, that we could put all the introspection back into our collective hall closet for another year. Not so fast, Chachi. Writer/director Kevin Smith had a busy year, what with Clerks II and all, so he's just posted "The Year in Askew, Part 1" over at his Myspace page. I've been a Smith fan ever since the original Clerks posed the question "Thirty-seven?", and I've always been impressed by how in touch he is with his fan-base.

It's a pretty long posting with tons of photos and links to film clips and other cool stuff. Stuff like the release of the first Clerks II trailer and Smith joining Myspace come as no surprise, while embarrassingly (and often hilariously) personal events like the eighth anniversary of the first time Smith and his wife Jen slept together (though, he puts it far less delicately than that) are included, as well as such random images as a Cylon in a thong (trust me, it's a good thing). I learned a thing or two as well. I didn't know that Smith had voiced a character for the animated film Doogal, or that he and long-time collaborator/producer Scott Mosier had recorded a commentary track for Road House (I'm assuming that wasn't a joke). Smith fans should stop on by and also check out Scott Weinberg's recent post on some of Smith's upcoming projects.

The Ant Bully -- One of only 612 animated movies to be released this year in which animals talk and do silly things, TAB hits DVD packing a bunch of new animated shorts, a few deleted scenes and some family-friendly featurettes. Plus, admit it: You're curious about seeing a cartoon flick in which the voices are contributed by Julia Roberts, Paul Giamatti, Nicolas Cage and Meryl Streep. Or maybe you aren't.

Clerks 2 -- Raunchy and funny I fully expected ... but kinda sweet, too? That I didn't really see coming. As is always the case with Kevin Smith's DVD, the C2 dual-platter promises 37 styles of supplemental goodness: Three commentaries, a bunch of deleted scenes, a feature-length documentary, a handful of featurettes, outtakes, internet shorts, and of course a bunch of vulgar little surprises.

See No Evil -- I surely didn't expect anything resembling "quality filmmaking" from the combined efforts of "WWE Films" and porn director Gregory Dark -- but I really wasn't expecting a low-rent slasher flick that was this outrageously unwatchable. Horror fans may delight in the few icky killings, but they're couched between a plot / cast / screenplay that's the absolute pinnacle of banality. Plus the killer is a big doofy dork who's not scary in the least. I'm not sure what extras Lionsgate is tossing onto this disc, but they could throw the entire collected works of Gregory Dark on there, and it still couldn't salvage this movie. (And just so you know, Greg once directed a movie called Hootermania.)

Supergirl -- Kal-El's hot little cousin makes her way to Earth and tangles with evil in the form of Faye Dunaway. Peter O'Toole, Peter Cook and Mia Farrow are somehow involved, if you can believe it. Director Jeannot Szwarc provides an audio commentary, should you just want to enjoy Helen Slater's Supertights without all that pesky dialogue.

Superman (4-disc Special Edition) -- One of the finest superhero flicks ever made gets a really fancy re-release that'll put the previous Special Edition (which is pretty damn solid) to Supershame. Choose between the original 1978 version or the re-jiggered 2000 cut, and when you're done with both of those you can pick through filmmaker commentaries, score-only audio tracks, documentaries, screen tests, deleted scenes, 1951's Superman and the Mole Men, and a whole bunch of classic Fleischer cartoons. (Someone please buy me this DVD for Christmas even though I'm Jewish.)

If you're the sort of DVD collector who loves nothing more than the kitschy little key-chains, chatchkes and doo-dads (and you're a big fan of Kevin Smith's Clerks 2), then you'll want to hit Best Buy on November 28. And make it during your lunch hour, because you'll be leaving the store with a decidedly unique Happy Meal.

Best Buy is offering an exclusive "Mooby's Fun Meal Box," which includes the Clerks 2 DVD, a cup, a visor, a Mooby's name tag ... and a box. Looks like this extra-special meal will set the Askewniversers back an extra ten bucks for the additional treats. ($29.99 MSRP, although that will undoubtedly go down during the week of release.)

Frankly I don't think the Mooby's toys are all that worthy of an extra ten smackers, but then again I'm not much of a memorabilia collector. The movie, though, is a winner, and I'll definitely be adding C2 to my collection soon.

[Thanks to JoBlo for the tip and the pic.]

Clerks 2 didn't seem to stay in theaters very long, but the film has made $24,041,057 domestically. For a production whose cost was in the neighborhood of $5 million, that seems like a respectable return on investment. Financially speaking, this keeps things within the parameters of Writer/Director Kevin Smith's prediction from his blog: "The flick should manage to get to $20 - $25mil theatrically, and eke out a minor theatrical profit, leaving all the DVD loot as total windfall."

Speaking as a fan of Smith's work, I would also say the film was a thematic success, bringing the films of the View Askewniverse to a more satisfying conclusion than had been achieved with Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. Clerks 2 is a hilariously foul-mouthed return to the character's introduced in Smith's 1994 debut feature Clerks, and -- unlikely as it may seem -- Dante, Randal, Jay , and Silent Bob all grow as human beings.

Smith has a habit of bringing his movies to DVD with more than their share of bells and whistles, and it appears Clerks 2 will continue that tradition when it arrives on November 28. There will be separate fullscreen and widescreen versions, each coming as part of a two-disk set and featuring:

• An audio commentary with the filmmakers and actors
• Deleted scenes and outtakes
• An extended version of 'The Donkey Show' (yes the scene that when discussed onscreen sent Good Morning America's Joel Siegel fleeing the theater in disgust, yet left me laughing till my spleen came out my nose)
• "Back to the Well: Making Clerks II" ninety-minute behind the scenes documentary
• "Train Wrecks" Production video Diary (presumably the same Video Diary material that was posted to the Clerks 2 website)
• "The Dance Sequence" featurette
• The complete MySpace.com fan credits list and trailers.

Now that we've seen Clerks 2, everyone (including myself) wants to know what Kevin Smith will be working on next. I think it's safe to say the dude will finally throw Jay, Silent Bob and the gang into a vault, only to resurrect them in smaller pieces here and there to appease his fans. So, seeing as he's no longer involved in the Green Hornet and Fletch projects, where does a guy like Kevin Smith go with his career?

Well, according to Smith himself, he'd like to venture into the horror genre for his next film. Yes, I said horror. And yes, we're still talking about Kevin Smith here. While this is just a rumor right now, several folks are claiming to have heard Smith make the announcement at a Q&A session over the weekend. No word yet on what kind of horror film, but knowing Smith, I imagine some comedy will be thrown in there. Could Kevin Smith re-invent himself with a kick-ass horror flick? Or will he crash and burn, leaving himself to crank out a direct-to-DVD version of Jay and Silent Bob: The Grammar School Years in order to keep paying the rent?

After making virtual lunchmeat out of Joel Siegel and his crybaby ways, Clerks 2 director Kevin Smith now has a new target firmly in his sights. Namely, the L.A. Weekly's Nikki Finke. As Erik reported this morning, Ms. Finke takes extreme umbrage with the fact that WeinsteinCo. sponsored a Clerks 2 promotion that resulted in 10,000 Smith fans getting their names attached to the flick's end credits. As is his normal M.O., Mr. Smith fired back on his own blog -- and the guy's seriously unhappy about Ms. Finke's comments.

What both sides fail to mention is that this is hardly a new trend. Peter Jackson used a similar approach a few years back, and you can see thousands of fans' names listed on the Fellowship of the Ring extended edition DVD. Right?

Nikki Finke calls it "a huge dis to anyone who's ever earned a legitimate credit on a film." Kevin Smith calls it a non-issue that nobody in the biz has complained about before now. Obviously it's just a difference of opinion, but Smith does nail Finke on one erroneous statement: She refers to Clerks 2 as a "failure," but the flick will certainly be well within the realm of profitability before the DVD hits the shelves.

And with all due respect to a fine writer, Ms. Finke might want to rent Airplane! and scan through those end credits to see how "sacred" the credit scrolls actually are.