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Since the weekend has come and gone and the only ones still talking about Crank: High Voltage are the critics who were forced to go to midnight and opening day screenings to write their reviews, it should come as no surprise that the sequel to the popular 2006 film did not perform exceptionally well at the box office. Indeed, it landed at sixth place in the weekend's Top Ten, grossing just shy of $7 million, while the number one film, 17 Again, raked in almost $24 million. But that's just the way that non sequitur cinema works: no matter what you hope or expect to happen next, there's no predicting how things will turn out.

Sorry, you don't know what non sequitur cinema is? Well, it's the action subgenre launched in 2000 thanks to the directorial style of filmmaker McG's Charlie's Angels which has since morphed into its own, thrilling, nonsensical entity which sometimes makes careers, but more often, claims them.

Not to be confused with real movies, these "experiences" function on a level of sensory overload that transcends such paltry objectives as character development or storytelling. Rather, they're most easily recognized by a preponderance of visual style that annihilates coherent thought, leaves eye sockets singed, and considers adrenal glands only slightly more valuable than Faberge eggs made from baby seal pelts and wrapped in bald eagle feathers. The original Angels collected enough on screen talent not only to earn it $264 million in worldwide grosses, but a sequel that made nearly as much despite making no sense at all and actually making the first film seem much, much worse than it actually is. (Ask McG how he feels about the reception of the two films if you don't believe me.)

Some mild Crank: High Voltage spoilers to follow...

Taking in an estimated $6.5 million for the weekend, the Crank sequel seemed to please most fans (less so myself) and many critics (the Tomatometer now stands at 69%, over the original's 60%) without totally taking America by storm. Hey, we live in a world where not everyone wants to pay to see Jason Statham stick a lubed-up shotgun inside some thug's rectum -- different strokes, people, different strokes.

Now, as Chev Chelios finally confronted the man with the red cooler (Art Hsu) after a momentarily Godzilla-like showdown, he opened the cooler to find not his stolen heart, but... something, something vaguely but freakishly off-putting to even the steely likes of Chev -- he reacts to the effect of "Why would you possibly carry this around with you?" -- and then, naturally, we never find out what the cooler holds.

So, as many had likewise debated as to the contents of that briefcase in Pulp Fiction, I'd like to hear your theories on what exactly was in that cooler. Was it Jason Statham's hair? The script for the next Tyler Perry outing? A puppy?

("Whatever, I wanted a cat.")

On the eve of its release in 2006, some local pals accommodated me at their screening for the first Crank film, and when my reaction afterward was one of surprising enthusiasm, they kindly chalked it up to a matter of "demographics." (To them, this most recently excused my thoughts on Observe and Report as well.)

Three years later, I found myself attending a midnight show of Crank: High Voltage alongside plenty of demographically-appropriate (read: texting) kin, anxious to see just how Jason Statham's unstoppable hitman is going to beat the odds this time around. And three reels later, I began to wonder whether or not too much had finally become just that. Oh, dear... what if they told me to leave my brain at the door and my heart still wasn't in it?

Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs
Man, I love that title. I haven't read the kids' book that this is based on but the trailer has tons of charm. Flint Lockwood has always dreamed of being an inventor and now it looks like his latest contraption will solve world hunger as he's got food literally falling from the sky. Not just the titular meatballs, but spaghetti, cheeseburgers and a house made of jello that I thought was particularly cool. The storm clouds start gathering on September 18.

The Cake Eaters
This film concerns the interactions between two families in a small town in upstate New York. The trailer focuses on a budding romance between a guy who works in the school cafeteria and a girl with degenerative neurological disorder, but judging from Erik's review of the film the story covers a lot more. Looks like a worthwhile little drama. It's bypassing theatrical release and arriving on DVD on March 24.

Crank 2
The movie's U.K. site has added a new red band trailer for this action sequel and there's so much packed into the thing I have to wonder if there's anything left for the movie. Jason Statham's heart has been stolen, and I don't mean in a romantic way. The artificial heart he has been left with requires periodic jolts of electricity and, well, it gets a little wacky from there. This will be in U.S. theaters on April 17.

Internet history was made on March 18, 2009. Lionsgate became the first studio to debut original content on Twitter, which means anyone who signs onto the social media network after this point is officially five minutes late. (Hooray! I made it under the wire.)

What was this content? Why, a Crank 2: High Voltage poster! It's very yellow and Jason Statham-y, for those missing his squint from the popping vein poster. I've put both in the gallery below. Maybe we'll get some shirtless pictures to pad it out in the next few weeks. (Hey, a girl can dream.)

But more important than the poster is where it appeared, and what this might mean for all of us. Many are applauding this new frontier of communication, while others say this is the beginning of the end -- the Re-Tweeting of posters, stills, and trailers could put us all out of work. For other media geeks, the Crank 2 poster means that Twitter is no longer cool, and is now just another tool of the corporate machine.

All I know is that Lionsgate is really lucky TwitPic was working, and didn't replace Statham with a Jason who uploaded his photo at the exact same time they did. That happened to me the other day, and boy was it embarrassing.

Just the thing for Friday afternoon! The official Crank 2: High Voltage trailer has hit the net (in a far more "Safe for Work" form than the earlier one!) and ... well, it looks exactly like it should. Hilariously over the top, full of dubious science and medical treatments, and a rehash of the first Crank in all the right ways. You should be sold on it from that first glare from Jason Statham. (But then, that might be a girl thing.) When I heard they were doing Crank 2 and that it revolved around a robotic heart, I thought it was too stupid for words. But such is the power of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor -- the ridiculous not only makes sense here, it's insanely cool.

In fact, you might want to watch only the first thirty seconds or so, just enough to whet your appetite and get the concept, as I fear this trailer ruins an awful lot of the stunts and heart-starting gags. If you're going to spend the money to see Crank 2, then you should see it as unspoiled as possible -- consider that you're warning, and make your own choice, but IGN let us embedded it for you. Watch, laugh your ass off, and be glad there's some April action to look forward to.

So Erik-with-a-k covered the coming comedies of 2009, Scott was all over the horror picks (though his inclusion of Race to Witch Mountain still boggles my mind), Eric-with-a-c nabbed the family-friendly fare, and Elisabeth went over the geek fodder that awaits. But while I respect their calendar years and made-up math alike, I've opted to divide my list of 2009's action and adventure flicks into four categories: Action Flicks I Couldn't Care More About, Action Flicks I Couldn't Care Less About, Action Flicks That I Hope Surprise Me, and Those Which Fell In Between. Enjoy!

Action Flicks I Couldn't Care More About: First and foremost -- Watchmen (March 6th). It's one hell of a graphic novel and looks to be one hell of an adaptation (with or without the Giant Blank), but the only problem is it may not hit theaters on time if 20th Century Fox has anything to say about it. Both Fox and Warner Brothers are fighting over who actually owns the rights, and if a judge favors Fox comes January 20th (when the court date is set), we're looking at a delayed release and a whole ton of angry fans. Then there's Public Enemies (July 1st), which has me sold on not the subject matter, but sheer pedigree: Michael Mann directs Johnny Depp and Christian Bale as '30s gangsters. (It doesn't hurt that the earliest word ranges from damn good to great.) On the skimpier side, I can only hope that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (July 17th) streamlines its source material as the previous one had, and I can only hope that Crank 2: High Voltage (April 17th) lives up/down to the depravity of its predecessor. There's one last action movie that I couldn't care more about because, well, I've already seen a version of it. The international cut of Taken (January 30th, though reportedly opening with some R-dodging trims) is about as brisk and butt-kicking as one might hope out of a man-on-a-mission kidnapping thriller, and if you disagree, I'll send Liam Neeson to change your mind.

Gallery: Watchmen

So the first trailer for Crank 2: High Voltage has hit the internets, and the thing is beyond NSFW (not safe for work). It opens with Asian men performing some sort of weird surgery on Jason Statham (who's awake and watching), then leaps into a montage of foul-mouthed obscenities before introducing a character who apparently likes to spend his days slapping the bare behind of an African American woman -- and then we get action, guns, blood, sex, nudity, more cursing and then Amy Smart shows up. Phew. Watching it felt like riding a dangerous rollercoaster through a porn factory.

Needless to say, this is probably the dirtiest and filthiest trailer of the year -- and I kinda like how it's arrived on December 31st. Crank 2, written and directed by those freaks Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, picks up where the original Crank left off and follows a man whose heart has been stolen by a Chinese mobster and replaced with a battery-powered heart that needs jolts of electricity to keep working. We've posted the trailer after the jump, because it's ... just ... nasty. You've been warned ...

Crank 2: High Voltage hits theaters on April 17.

With only two features to their credit -- they co-wrote and co-directed 2006's Crank, and together scripted this past spring's Pathology -- maybe it's a bit premature to declare myself a fan of the duo known as Neveldine/Taylor. (Even if that's the case, Eugene's got my back.) Yes, I'm the guy psyched for Crank 2: High Voltage, and I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt for other upcoming projects, such as the Gerard Butler actioner Game and the comic book adaptation Jonah Hex...

Well, now, the latter's lost maybe only a fraction of what precious little interest it had, as Neveldine/Taylor has reportedly walked away from directing the project, citing (and say it with me now) "creative differences." However, the implication from this Variety brief is that their script is already done and will be the same one that Josh Brolin is still tapped to star in (to Thomas Jane's probable dismay).

Something tells me that a film that's gathered this much attention to date won't go unmade, but it's now a matter of who will helm it. 2009 will remain the year of N/T regardless, with Crank 2 scheduled to open in April and Game in September.

You know, I've seen a lot of 'behind the scenes' photographs over the years, but these latest from Crank 2: High Voltage win the "what the heck is going on here?" award, hands down. The LA Times is now hosting 19 new images from the set of the follow-up to the 2006 action film. In fact, I have to be honest with you: I can't for the life of me figure out why directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor would need a giant foam head of Jason Statham -- but now that it has my interest piqued, it had better be good.

This time around, our favorite hit man Chev Chelios (Statham) has to chase down a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a bum ticker. But that's not all: on top of everything else, Chev has to keep his heart running on jolts of electricity (where's James Bond's dashboard defibrillator when you need it?). Joining in on the fun are Amy Smart (who we saw on set a few months ago in a 'questionable' costume), Dwight Yoakum, Bai Ling, and a cameo from '80s cautionary tale, Corey Haim (and for his sake I hope things went better on the set here than they did on Lost Boys 2).

Crank 2: High Voltage is expected arrive in theaters in 2009 -- maybe by then we'll know what all those big foam heads were about.