Wonderful as the classic family Christmas movies can be, the overwhelming sugary sweetness in most of them can be a little off-putting to adult audiences. I know my friends tend to gravitate more towards the R-rated holiday fare -- Die Hard, Bad Santa, The Ref, etc. Lord knows Hollywood doesn't want to be bothered coming up with original ideas, so I'm proposing seven remakes of Christmas family classics -- souped up for 2008 and aimed at the 17+ crowd. I've set up the plots and even suggested a possible director for each. Enjoy...

Michael Moore's A Christmas Carol

In Michael Moore's return to narrative filmmaking, George W. Bush plays with his shiny new train set, sets out cookies for Santa Claus, and falls asleep in his footie pajamas while watching Power Rangers. He is awoken in the middle of the night by The Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Georgie through his days of frat parties, draft dodging, drunk driving, and cocaine abuse. Even faced with hard evidence, Bush denies any involvement. The Ghost of Christmas Present takes Bush deep into a post-Katrina New Orleans, where Bush cracks jokes and enjoys some caramel corn. Stunned by Bush's lack of feeling, the ghost takes him to Iraq, where he sees what Christmas is like for U.S. soldiers. Bush yawns. He is sleepy. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Bush a world ravaged by the effects of global warming and America hated by countries all across the globe. "Not real concerned about my legacy, Future Dude" chuckles Bush, and he falls asleep safe in his bed. Bush wakes up twelve hours later, having learned absolutely nothing. As the movie ends, he runs over a homosexual couple with his truck and kicks a sick orphan in the face.

Rogue

I don't care how many times they push it back, or how much potential for hackneyed disaster there is in a film about a killer crocodile -- I'm looking forward to Rogue, mostly because there was a lot that impressed me about Greg Mclean's debut film, 2005's Wolf Creek. For one thing, it was bold enough to defy several horror cliches, such as foreshadowing dread in the early scenes -- the first thirty minutes of Wolf Creek could be part of an Aussie road drip dramedy, with three aimless kids taking their rickety car way too far into unsafe areas of the Outback. It's also a film that's completely unrelenting in the psychic trauma it wants to inflict on the audience. By the time the slaughtering starts, we know these characters -- we care about them. Frankly, Mclean seems like he'd be completely bored with making a standard slasher/monster film with paper-thin characters. Therefore, I'm going to be first in line for his killer croc movie, and wait for my enthusiasm to blow up in my face.

Friday the 13th

I have no idea if this will get to theaters by late 2008, but I know that Platinum Dunes does have the gears grinding, so it's a possibility. In fact, a little birdie recently told me something hilarious -- Corey Feldman went in and pitched himself as the star of this thing. For those who don't remember, Feldman played Vorhees foe Tommy Jarvis in two installments of the original series, and he apparently had designs on making the Friday remake his newest comeback vehicle. There's really nothing you can do with Jason at this point other than remake him, but how? Word is that PD wants the remake to feature both Jason and his trademark mask -- two elements that didn't congeal until Part III of the original series, so I'm imagining a smelting together of the first three films, set in modern day and with a lot of in-jokes. I guess it will be a film about a little boy who drowns in a lake and immediately morphs into an overgrown, lumbering killer with a machete. Sounds intriguing.

I've been a horror fan since before the first Friday the 13th, but I'm definitely in the "loves the tension, thrills and release, but has a weak stomach" wuss category when it comes to the increasingly detailed anatomical level of blood and latex that's splashed on the screen nowadays. So imagine how I felt when presented with the latest clip from Saw IV, which actually begins with the explicit autopsy of Jigsaw (Tobin Bell, or a reasonable facsimile thereof). Yup, you get the whole deal: medical saws a-cutting, body parts laid open, internal organs sliced and diced.

If your reaction was stomach churning disgust, you can skip to the next article. On the other hand, if you just said: "More, please!" head straight over to the Saw IV web site, where, after entering your name, street number, zip code, date of birth, and next of kin (just kidding on that last one), you may go directly to "video" and click "autopsy." As our resident horror expert Scott Weinberg reported earlier this month, the teaser trailer is there too, along with various graphics and production notes. If you just want a quick look at the teaser -- not the autopsy clip -- you can also head over to Moviefone for a look in glorious HD.

At the Saw IV site you can also take a look at some of the puzzle traps from Saw III and click on "commentary" to watch video clips on how they were realized, with director Darren Lynn Bousman and production designer David Hackl talking about the technical challenges involved. Other site goodies are still marked "coming soon," but if you get bored you can always watch the autopsy clip again. Unless you work in a slaughterhouse, the entire site is NSFW. Saw IV buzzes into theaters on October 26.

I never was into the whole Buffy the Vampire Slayer thing, so to me, Anthony Stewart Head is "that guy who played Frank-N-Furter when I saw The Rocky Horror Show in London after college." (I liked his small role in Scoop, too.) Now Head's official fan website has announced that the actor best known as Buffy's mentor Giles has joined the cast of Repo! The Genetic Opera. The "horror musical" is being directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, who helmed the second through fourth installments in the Saw series. The website says Head has "the lead role" in the futuristic film, which will contain both rock and opera music.

Repo! The Genetic Opera is about a company that creates perfect internal organs ... and if you can't pay for them on time, a repo man will be assigned to remove them. It sounds vaguely Delicatessen-ish to me. As Monika Bartyzel told us in July, Paul Sorvino has been cast as the organ-company owner, and Alexa Vega (Spy Kids) as the daughter of a repo man. Her repo man dad must be important because Shock Till You Drop, where Cinematical first spotted the news, says that's the role Head will be playing. Shock Till You Drop notes another last-minute cast addition, courtesy of Bousman's MySpace page: singer Sarah Brightman.The cast also includes Tobin Bell and, as if the film didn't sound bizarre enough, Paris Hilton in a role that involves singing. Shooting is scheduled to begin this week in Toronto.

Now that Paris Hilton has served her time, we can all look forward to her moving ahead with her acting career. Despite the fact that she no longer has an agent, Hilton managed to win a part in Darren Lynn Bousman's Repo! The Genetic Opera. Bousman (Saw II, III and IV) and producer Carl Mazzocone (Boxing Helena) both claim that out of about 30 actresses who auditioned for the part Hilton was by far the best. And for those of you who enjoy her vocal talents as much as her acting skills, you'll be happy to know that she will be singing in the sci-fi-horror-musical. Hilton's character will be the daughter of Paul Sorvino's villainous "organ transplant magnate." Sorvino and Spy Kids' Alexa Vega were both cast last week, with Vega landing the role of a repo man's daughter. Perhaps Vega and Hilton will be friends in the film? And maybe the two can become BFFs in real life, too, and 18-year-old Vega can become the newest paparrazzi darling.

I don't know about you, but I'm now pretty excited about Repo! It isn't that I am looking forward to watching Hilton act and sing on the big screen, I just think the whole project sounds ridiculous, and I can't wait to see how it turns out. It could end up a big joke, or it could be enjoyable as a guilty pleasure or cult hit, or maybe it will actually be brilliant. What if Hilton's true calling is to be an opera singer? Of course, Repo! will not only feature opera numbers; there will reportedly be some rock songs as well. Last month Hilton told Larry King that she had two films lined up, but it isn't clear if Repo! was one of them. She will next be seen in The Hottie and the Nottie, which is due next year.

The "torture porn" genre may be on its way out, but don't tell that to the Saw folks who are already making plans to extend their horror franchise to at least six. Bloody Disgusting has received word that David Hackl has been handed the directorial torch for Saw V and Saw VI, replacing Darren Lynn Bousman ( who's currently finishing up a stint as director on back-to-back-to-back Saw flicks). Hackl was the production designer on Saw II, Saw III and Saw IV, as well as second unit director on Saw II and Saw IV. He was also in the running at one point to helm Saw IV until Bousman decided to give it another go. I'd say he's the right man for the job -- then again, I stopped watching this series after the first installment because, as my friends say, I'm a word that rhymes with schmussy.

It will be interesting to see how well Saw IV does at the box office when it arrives on October 26. While the horror franchise definitely carries a massive fanbase, audiences have made it clear that this whole torture shtick has run its course. We'll also have to wait and see whether the film leaks online, and if that damages its overall box office take. As with most sequels, additional Saw installments are not guaranteed; if Saw IV should fail to hit a certain mark, I imagine the boys will cash in their chips and congratulate one another on a highly-successful run. The decision will have to come quick, though, as Hackl and his team will have to begin work immediately on Saw V in order to have it completed by the following Halloween. Does there come a point when enough is enough? Would you Saw fanatics keep watching through part six, or do you lose interest after awhile?

In all the horror movie hype of controversial billboards and pointing fingers, Saw IV might have gotten lost in the shuffle. There hasn't been a lot of news about the film so far, other than a few glimpses at a teaser poster. Plus, the latest photo to appear on MTV.com isn't giving anything up about what to expect from the latest installment of the series. The image consists of what looks to be a woman strapped to a chair with an ominous countdown clock presumably ticking away -- familiar terrain, I'm sure, for fans of the films. Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, the film reportedly was going to pick up where number three left off, with one of the survivors (Angus Macfadyen) still trapped in Jigsaw's (Tobin Bell) "house of horrors." Armed only with a videotape starring Jigsaw, he must solve a mystery to save his daughter. But, Bousman has already discounted that storyline with Bloody Disgusting, saying that "Every plot synopsis you've read online is false and untrue. The thing with Macfadyen looking for his daughter? Believe it if you want. But no one knows what this story is."

Erik gave us the news a couple of weeks back that the horror movie had just finished shooting, and I'm guessing that expectations for the film's box office take are probably still pretty high despite the much-discussed horror backlash. Especially when you think back to the highly profitable opening that Saw III had, Lionsgate is probably hoping that lightening is going to strike twice. We will have to wait and see until October 26th, when Saw IV hits theaters.

What looks to be the only successful horror franchise at the moment (box office wise) has apparently just wrapped production on its latest entry, and entered the editing phase. Over on his MySpace blog, director Darren Lynn Bousman proclaims, "Saw IV shot - and onto editing!!! HELL YEAH!!!!" Based on all the capital letters and exclamation points, I take it the dude is just a tad excited about the whole thing. And why wouldn't he be? After helping kick-start this whole "torture phase" that the horror genre has been in as of late, it's the only franchise still alive and capable of making a killing at the box office. So much so that most horror flicks now have to steer clear of Halloween (the holiday) because they're afraid Saw (insert number here) will demolish them. Could this be why Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween is coming out on, um, August 31? Probably.

Not only are the films successful, but they're also pretty good ... according to those friends of mine who actually had the guts to sit through Saw II and Saw III. That's right, after enjoying the original, I stayed away from the sequels because I'm not crazy about throwing up after I watch a film. I know, I'm a sissy -- blame my parents. Anyway, they're successful, they're entertaining and the filmmakers are somehow able to shoot and edit these suckers faster than it takes to figure out the plot of the previous installment. Written by Project Greenlight boys Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton (Feast), Saw IV will have something to do with the serial killer Jigsaw screwing with people who are locked in a room. (Although I haven't seen the last two flicks, I speculate that plot description is right on.) Saw IV is currently scheduled to hit theaters on October 26.

Fans of the Saw series will definitely want to pop on over to FEARnet for a quick second. That's where you'll find the first pair of on-set pics from Saw 4 ... plus we've been given just a little dollop of plot synopsis! Turns out that the Saw 4 story-line will continue with poor Jeff (Angus MacFadyen) as he tries to rescue his trapped daughter from inside another one of Jigsaw's death-filled dungeons. (And yes that audio tape does come into play!) Heck, who knew the Saw flicks would turn out to be a bona-fide soap opera?

The pics don't deliver any of that patented Saw stickiness, but you will get to see director Darren Lynn Bousman on set with actor Lyriq Bent, who will be returning for his third Saw soiree. Beyond that, we don't know a heck of a lot about Saw 4. New to the series are Feast writers Partick Melton and Marcus Dunston, and that should certainly add some new flavor to the series. But I prefer being kept in the semi-dark on these flicks. I actually didn't know what was coming in the Saw sequels, and I kinda like it that way. As expected, Saw 4 will hit screens right before Halloween. Domestically, the first one did $55 million at the box office. Part 2 made $87 million and Part 3 hit $80 million. Not bad for a trilogy that probably cost less than $35 million to produce.

Saw sequel maker Darren Lynn Bousman has posted production blogs on several movie sites over the past few years, but this year he's settling down at FEARnet. His inaugural blog entry doesn't deliver any new casting notices or shocking surprises, but he does dole out an explanation as to why he recently signed on to direct a third Saw sequel. (As if you'd walk away from such a profitable -- and clearly enjoyable -- movie gig.) The guy's locked up for Repo: A Genetic Opera and a remake of Scanners, but for the next several months, DLB is all about the Saw sickness.

With production on Saw 4 set to begin in Toronto next week, Mr. Bousman is prepared to give us twice-weekly updates on how his third sequel is going. To kick things off he expresses a lot of affection for the Saw production family, makes no apologies for sticking with the sequels, and offers an insightful breakdown of the Saw flicks' genre-bending ways. (He also promises to chat about non-Saw-related topics, which might mean some early info on his future projects.)

In related news, Dread Central is reporting that Lyriq Bent will be returning for his third Saw installment, while Bloody-Disgusting.com indicates that Justin Louis (Dawn of the Dead) has joined the (rapidly growing) Saw 4 cast. (The backward-hat-wearing guy from Gilmore Girls has also been signed up.) Meanwhile, every horror-friendly website on the planet reminds us that Saw-master Tobin Bell will also be back for some more punishment. Unfortunately, I think it's safe to assume that the lovely Dina Meyer will not be showing up in the next sequel.