Now that John McClane, Rocky Balboa and John Rambo have made their return to the big screen -- with Indiana Jones on his way -- the question seems pretty obvious: Who will be the next 1980s action hero to come out of retirement and enjoy one last explosion of mindless mayhem and crazy carnage? I have a few suggestions...

Marion "Cobra" Cobretti (Cobra, 1986) -- After the original First Blood, Stallone went a little insane and not only directed the hilariously bad Staying Alive ... he also starred opposite Dolly Parton in Rhinestone. So obviously it was time for A) Rambo 2, B) Rocky 4, and a powerfully mindless cop flick called Cobra. It grossed only about $50 milion, but that's pretty solid in 1986 money. Oh, and Stallone's subsequent movie? The arm-wrestling one. Other options for Sly: Gabe "Cliffhanger" Walker (which is apparently already in development), Frank "Lock Up" Leone, Lincoln "Over the Top" Hawk ... and (of course) Detective Ray Tango.

"Dirty" Harry Callahan (Dirty Harry, 1971; Magnum Force, 1973; The Enforcer, 1976; Sudden Impact, 1983; The Dead Pool, 1986) -- Pretty damn unlikely, but I'd love to see Dirty Harry polish off the pistol just one last time. Hell, send him after the terrorists! (Another, more realistic wish: Clint Eastwood will deliver at least one more western in the vein of The Outlaw Josey Wales, Pale Rider, or Unforgiven.)

Well, either John McTiernan took a pass on the offer or AICN had their collective legs pulled when news came that Die Hard helmer McTiernan was in talks to direct the Conan the Barbarian update for Millennium Films. Dark Horizons has now reported that French director Xavier Gens told film site Le Film Francais.com that he was in line to direct the fantasy update. After the drawn-out battle for the rights to re-make the 1982 film, it seems like the production is still having a little trouble finding a director or a star. Although AICN did name Gerard Butler as one of the contenders for the role (I guess he has plenty of experience in a loincloth already). Gens is probably best known as the director for the video game flick Hitman -- which might not be the best calling card if you take the cringe-worthy score of 13% on Rotten Tomatoes as any indication of the man's abilities.

Gens entrance into the Hollywood blockbuster scene probably didn't quite work out as he had hoped. First, there were rumors that there were arguments with the studio over Hitman's rating, and then finally there was talk that Gens had been pulled from the project altogether. There was some PR back-pedaling surrounding the problems with Hitman, but even if the rumors weren't completely true, it could not have helped his reputation. But since Gen's involvement in Conan is still a rumor at this point, fans probably shouldn't get too worried just yet. Let's just wait until we hear something a little more official. Conan the Barbarian is scheduled for release in 2009.

Lots of Christmas songs appear in lots of movies, and we all know how bad and how monotonous they can get. The following is a list of seven Christmas songs in seven Christmas movies that stand out. They're used for some particular purpose, rather than just dressing. Hopefully these songs lend new meaning to their movies, and vice versa. And in the end, everything becomes just a little more tolerable.

1. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," from Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
This song has become a standard, of course. But looking at its very first performance by Judy Garland shows that it was actually meant ironically. Esther Smith (Garland) sings it while looking out the window at a forlorn winter's night, her sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) at her side. (The family may have to move away from their beloved St. Louis home.) Tears flow, and the scene is accompanied by Tootie's wanton destruction of a carefully-crafted family of snow people on the lawn.

2. "Christmas in Hollis," from Die Hard (1988)
While waiting in a limo, just downstairs from the chaos in his wife's building, John McClane (Bruce Willis) listens to the radio. The limo driver Argyle (De'voreaux White) plays the just-released hip-hop Christmas song by Run-DMC. "Don't you have any Christmas music?" McClane asks. "This is Christmas music!" Argyle replies excitedly, moving to the beat. I'm not sure how many other hip-hop Christmas songs have been recorded since then, but they have some big shoes to fill. (Runner-up: "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" played during the closing credits.)

If you're like me and not into children's movies of any kind, then good news -- there is a whole library of R-rated Christmas classics that you can put on during the Christmas celebration this year and not have to worry about being subjected to the Dora the Explorer Christmas Special or whatnot. Most of these titles won't come as a surprise, since they are movies you know and love already, but there's nothing wrong with a handy guide, is there?

Die Hard

Die Hard contains all of life's lessons. Who amongst us hasn't been an Argyle, completely oblivious while the storm-clouds of danger were gathering over our head? Or been faced with the choice to walk or not walk across a floor of broken glass (metaphorical, in most cases) in order to meet our stated objectives? That's why it's such a perfect movie for holiday-time reflection. You can sit back with your tumbler of egg nog and your gingerbread man cookies and know that you're watching a true work of art, not just a mindless shoot-em-up. If you're feeling really charitable, you can even place a collect call to the slammer and congratulate John McTiernan on directing one of the best films of the 80s, and one of the few movies to capture the true spirit of Christmas.

Lethal Weapon

I've already had my say about Lethal Weapon, but I can always be persuaded to say more. Here's some food for thought: Is Lethal's status as a Christmas classic tarnished by Martin Rigg's unexpected outburst of homophobic hate speech during the pistol range sequence? I'm talking of course about his off the cuff assertion to Roger -- while drilling bullet holes into a paper target with a maniacal look in his eye -- that Amanda Hunsaker's purported lesbianism with hooker friend Dixie is "disgusting." That's the kind of thing -- like the casual pot smoking in Poltergeist -- that eventually finds itself quietly excised from future release editions. Also, we can assume he became a liberal in time for Lethal Weapon 2, in which he's an anti-apartheid crusader. Go spit, Riggs!

What's the definition of a "Christmas movie?" Is it a simple matter of setting in time, a more complex question of tone, an ineffable connection to the Christmas spirit? I can't answer that, but I can tell you one thing.

Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's bloody, brutal and base; it's punchy, puckish and profane ... and it's unequivocally a Christmas movie, or it wouldn't be in the rotation at my house -- and, I suspect, some of yours -- every December as reliably as it is, nor would that annual process of returning to my mind seem as welcome as it is. Normally, in a piece about a film, here's where I'd recap the plot, but seriously, do you need one here? Have you been in cryogenic suspension? Are you leaving the Amish faith after 20 years and figured you'd turn to the internets to catch up? It's Die Hard. You know the plot. And if you need a refresher, go watch it. Right now. We'll be here when you get back.

Just like any other genre, the Christmas movie relies on a laundry list of tried and true formulas to get you into the theater, and some of them are becoming a bit tiresome. If you want to avoid getting suckered into watching the same old holiday schmalz-fest this year that you've seen the last ten years prior, and you're not sure how to go about it, take this list as my gift to you.

It Tries to Make the Nativity Dramatic

Movies that try to make a compelling drama out of the birth of Jesus Christ often hit a brick wall when they realize that there's really no story there. Sure, if you're a Christian the birth itself is a compelling moment -- key word being moment -- but there's nothing before or after that lends itself to the structure of modern drama. Witness the recent live-action drama, The Nativity Story, a horrid film that resorted to making Three Stooges of the Three Wise Men and creating entire absurd subplots about astrophysics in order to get around the fact that there's about five minutes worth of compelling material here to work with. Hopefully it will be a long, long time -- never, please -- before anyone makes this mistake again.

It's Called 'Jingle all the Way'

Seriously, let's all just agree on this one. There are many things that Arnold Schwarzenegger is suited for -- or was suited for around 1987 -- but one of them is not showering an audience with holiday merriment. The other day I was at Best Buy and the guy behind the counter actually tried to convince me that Jingle all the Way was a beloved classic that belonged in my DVD library. That's when I put on my glasses and took a closer look -- turns out the guy behind the counter was Sinbad. Enough said. Let's also point out that Turbo-Man seemed like just about the lamest toy since Tom Hanks trotted out that keyboard in Big that you had to play by dancing on the keys.

Well, the Pellicano case gets deeper ... and deeper ... and now, a pretty well-known director may be going to the pokey because of it. Infamous 'Private Eye to the Stars' Anthony Pellicano has already served 2.5 years for possession of illegal weapons; Yahoo reports that he's also facing an 111-count indictment for wiretapping, bribing police and other illegal activities in the pursuit of his craft. On Judge Dale S. Fischer heard arguments regarding an earlier guilty plea entered by director John McTiernan -- of Die Hard and The Hunt for Red October fame (and Rollerball infamy) -- when faced with the serious charge of lying to an FBI agent as part of the bureau's ongoing investigation into Pellicano. McTiernan earlier claimed he only retained Pellicano during his divorce; it turns out that McTiernan also hired Pellicano to wiretap an associate during the making of Rollerball.

McTiernan was hoping to withdraw his guilty plea, based in part on his state at the time he answered FBI inquiries -- claiming that he had just taken a long plane flight, was taking antibiotics for a sinus infection and had just ceased taking anti-depressant medication. Well, Judge Fischer isn't having any of it -- and hit McTiernan with not only an $100,000 fine but also a four-month jail sentence. McTiernan has until Jan. 15th to turn himself into authorities -- it's not as if he did a perp-walk while cuffed straight to the paddy wagon -- and his counsel says that McTiernan will appeal. The question to me is if McTiernan will actually see the inside of a cell; we all know that famous people don't, technically, do time -- but, technically, is a director famous? Stay here at Cinematical for more. ...

Timothy Olyphant has been a scene-stealing character actor for years now (go see Go), but he seems poised to take his stardom to the next level. Of course, he's the villain in Live Free or Die Hard, which opens today and which I am still struggling to get excited about. He's got a major role in Kimberly Pierce's long-awaited follow-up to Boys Don't Cry -- Stop Loss, with Ryan Phillippe, Channing Tatum, and Jay Hernandez (Is that a movie or a Tiger Beat shoot?). He'll appear with the unreasonably attractive Jessica Alba in Bill, about a guy who mentors a rebellious teen. He also just signed on to play Agent 47 in Hitman, an adaptation of the much-loved video game (a new trailer for the film will play before LFODH). Even with all that going on, many still know him best from Deadwood, the wonderful HBO western drama that ran for three seasons, and was -- sigh -- taken off the air to make room for -- sigh -- John from Cincinnati. Deadwood's many fans (myself included) didn't take the cancellation well, but at least we've been able to calm ourselves with the news that creator David Milch planned to make Deadwood movies to give the series closure. Well, get ready to flip the freak out, Deadwoodians.

In an interview with comingsoon, Olyphant is asked about the status of the Deadwood films. And his response doesn't exactly inspire confidence: "I have no idea. There's been ongoing talk about those things for a long, long time. I, for better or worse, have the perspective of 'don't hold your breath.' My feeling is that the fact that show existed at all for as long as it did was a miracle of sorts. It was an incredible experience, and I'm very, very thankful, and as a fan of the show like everybody else, it would have been nice to see it end in a different way or have more life to it, but as far as I'm concerned, they don't owe me anything. It was a tremendous experience, I look at it that way. I walk away going, 'I must be a better actor because of that show.' Three years on TV is better than seven years on TV, you know?" So, ah...yeah. Pretty terrible news, huh? I suppose anything can happen, but I think it's becoming more and more likely that we're not going to see those movies. Really, HBO? Really, Milch? You replace my Deadwood with a show about a floating surfer, and now this?

Just in time for the new Die Hard sequel, Live Free or Die Hard (or, as its called in the UK and elsewhere, Die Hard 4.0), my favorite film cynic, Guardian Unlimited columnist Joe Queenan, has given us a review of the first three movies. Rather than recap the actual plots of Die Hard, Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Die Hard: With a Vengeance, though, Queenan focuses on reminding us of the deaths and damages of the franchise, most of which he claims would have gotten Bruce Willis's character in a lot of trouble, or at least mixed up in a lot of red tape. Of course, this is has been a joke about action movies for over twenty years now; plenty of parodies have knocked the fact that heroes cause more destruction than should be necessary. But Queenan points out one serious issue with the second Die Hard film that I had forgotten. Willis' John McClane pretty much causes the deaths of more than 230 innocent people, including passengers of a crashed jet plane, which is downed by a terrorist who doesn't like McClane's taunting.

As usual, Queenan is taking the movies too seriously (though I'm sure he doesn't really; its just for the story). The fact that McClane is an everybody who saves the day and faces no consequences is part of the fantasy of action films of the era. Critics have pondered the genre as everything from male empowerment following women's rights to individual empowerment following the failure of Vietnam and/or amidst an age of global threats, be they communist or terrorist. But basically action movies, and the Die Hard movies especially, are an all-of-the-above fantasy about what we'd all hope to be able to do if placed in the worst possible situation. Sure, they give a promise of implausible and impossible solutions, but I don't think many people have tried to single-handedly defeat hijackers or other bad guys because of what has been seen in the movies (I guess you could suggest the passengers on United 93, but that would be an honorable exception).

Earlier this month, we reported that Bruce Willis is expecting Fox to do another Die Hard movie after Live Free and Die Hard. At the time, the actor mentioned he'd only be interested in part five if he's joined again by Live Free co-stars Maggie Q and Justin Long, as well as director Len Wiseman. In a new story from MTV, though, Willis hints about the idea of making a Die Hard prequel. Could that be the direction for Die Hard 5? I doubt it, considering, as Willis admits, he could only return as a young John McClane if there were some serious special effects makeup utilized. Personally, I don't think a prequel would make sense; the whole idea of the first Die Hard is that McClane is a normal guy who has never been in this kind of situation before. The only other thing that Willis had to say regarding another film is that he prefers that it be shot in the U.S., because Die Hard is an American film.

Unlike his character in Live Free or Die Hard, who is portrayed as an analog man in a digital world, Willis is pretty hip to computers. The interview from which MTV's story is pulled was conducted through a virtual press conference on the online world of Second Life. Willis appeared to fans as an avatar and even confessed to being an internet junkie, getting all his news and doing most of his communication via the web (we already knew he liked to comment on movie sites.) He also applauded Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who plays his daughter, for studying the previous Die Hard films in order to make her character completely recognizable as the spawn of McClane and his wife, Holly (Bonnie Bedelia, who only appeared in the first two movies.) Live Free or Die Hard hits theaters next Wednesday, after which we'll find out if Fox thinks another outing, prequel or not, is worth it.