First there was Date Movie, and it was ... not good. And then came Epic Movie, and it was ... even worse. Most recently we received Meet the Spartans, and it was ... you get the point: By now we're well aware that sophomoric spoof-merchants Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are not even remotely interested in making a good film. Their goal is simply to throw as many current* pop culture references onto the screen so that bored 14-year-olds with more allowance money than common sense will line up to chuckle (feebly) at the duo's desperate antics. (* And if the jokes are this bad when they're "current," what the hell will these flicks look like in ten years?)

But you know what? It's almost creepy how well these things do: For a production budget of about $20 million apiece, Date, Epic, and Spartans made about $84 million each. (That's worldwide box-office, and thanks to Mojo for the numerals.) So Fox essentially gave these guys $60 million and three shots, and they virtually quadrupled their budget each time out. (So why does the IMDb rate these films at 2.6, 2.3, and 2.4, respectively? I have no idea. How many times must a person get smacked on the skull before they start avoiding the hammer?)

Anwyay, Friedberg and Seltzer have moved their parody tent over to Lionsgate, and that's who'll be unleashing the aptly-titled Disaster Movie on August 29. (And people call Saw torture. Ha!) Click right here to enjoy the trailer, and by "enjoy" I actually mean "sit there and subject yourself to amazingly half-assed jokes about clumsy superheroes, pregnant teenagers, and tons of other horrific stuff that I can't believe passes for comedy." And yet I bet it will make about $84 million worldwide and we'll all be sitting here next year, bemoaning the impending arrival of Friedberg & Seltzer's Action Movie.

As Scott pointed out in his review, you need not fear that this week's Superhero Movie is another brainchild of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, whose satanic perversions of the parody genre -- Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans -- have been terrorizing unsuspecting audiences every year since 2006. Superhero Movie was actually directed by Craig Mazin, a protégé of the Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker dream team responsible for Airplane! and The Naked Gun, and produced by David Zucker himself. But it, too, is plagued -- albeit to a much lesser degree -- by what's turning out to be the problem with the entire modern generation of spoofs going back to Scary Movie: relentless pop culture specificity.

The basest incarnations of this, of course, are the Friedberg-Seltzer monstrosities, which may be worthless as comedies but which could prove valuable to historians because they indicate precisely what dominated the American zeitgeist in the few months before their release. It's too generous to call these films' vulgar spasms "jokes," but to the extent that's what they are, they depend entirely on either audience members' awareness of US Weekly-type factoids such as Britney Spears' shaving her head or their recall of particular scenes and characters in recent box-office hits. That's not to say that these kinds of jokes can't be funny -- the problem with Friedberg and Seltzer, as others have pointed out, is that they think throwing something current on the screen ("Look, Paris Hilton!") constitutes humor. But they do limit comedies' universal appeal and staying power.

Once upon a time, back when I started out this line of work, it was my aim to see every movie ever made. Then came the VHS player. Once the direct-to-video market began, numerous filmmakers stopped thinking of the pleasures and rigors of making films for the big screen. Instead, they started thinking of a quick payoff. VHS financed the rise of the indie movie for good (or often, ill). It all added up to a huge increase in the number of films released. Eventually, I realized if I wanted to do some ordinary things--hoisting an ale, listening to music, reading a book--I was going to have to let a few films slide. Coming attractions have been a huge help in picking which ones to avoid, particularly the ones that reveal every single plot point and the most likely resolution of the problem. So how can I really do a worst of 2007 list? I ducked a lot of contenders. Underdog, for instance.

I missed P.U., I Hate You, as those slashing wits at Cracked magazine will be calling it, but I really felt James Rocchi's personal agony at witnessing the last of Hilary Swank's trio of evil movies this year. Though some would call it a duo; some people fell for Freedom Writers. Maybe this kind of story can be told without Room 222-levels of obviousness and manipulation...perhaps from the POV of one of the students, instead of the earnest white teacher? I'm not going to get any prizes for prescience by saying Swank's agent needs to be renditioned to some country with deep dark dungeons. Swank's Lost Year has already been celebrated elsewhere.

But The Reaping (#1) was the worst of the three; no one wants to see this actress's career reaped anymore. The low-water mark of this swamps-of-blood Christian thriller was the scene where Swank is told by a yokel, "Some people just don't want to go to heaven." Meaning her, and the atheists, agnostics, and Odin-worshippers in the audience.

The dust has settled on another wild and unpredictable box office weekend ... well, maybe not so wild and unpredictable, after all. Here's what I guessed on Friday:

1. Epic Movie
2. Smokin' Aces
3. Dreamgirls
4. Catch and Release
5. Night at the Museum

And here's how it went down:

1. Epic Movie - $19.2 million
2. Smokin' Aces - $14.3 million
3. Night at the Museum - $9.5 million
4. Catch and Release - $8 million
5. Stomp the Yard - $7.8 million

Get the full box office report here.

Yes, the public's capacity for urine jokes and kicks to the crotch proved endless -- or, if not endless, then worth $19.2 million -- as Epic Movie dominated the box office in, uh, epic fashion. Not only did it earn the same amount as its predecessor, Date Movie (which earned $19 million the weekend it opened), it also needed less time to do it, since Date Movie opened over a long weekend. Conclusions? Blockbuster flicks like Pirates of the Caribbean provide ridiculously easy targets for parody ... and we'll be seeing an Epic Movie 2 about this time next year. Also, now that we've had Scary Movie, Date Movie and Epic Movie, what will the next in the series be titled? War Movie? Family Movie? Indie Movie? Place your bets now.

As for the rest of the field, Dreamgirls dropped out of the top five, but it did finish sixth with $6.6 million. That's not awful for a movie whose Best Picture snub has apparently rocked Hollywood to its very core (yeah, yeah, I liked the movie too, but enough already). Movies that were nominated, The Departed and Babel, saw an extra boost this past weekend: The Departed shot from No. 35 to No. 12, and Babel was right behind at No. 13. And that's not even counting all those economical folks who snuck in to see Babel after catching Epic Movie right next door.

OK, so you made it through last week (with nothing more than The Hitcher) without your weekly review roundup, but I'm back from Sundance and just itchin' to get through this newest batch of ... January ... releases. Ugh, I can't even feign excitement with movies this lame. But wait ... is one of 'em actually good? Let's sift through those pros and cons.

Blood and Chocolate (2 positive / 21 negative reviews at RottenTomatoes.com)

Pro: "There's something refreshingly low-tech about (this) werewolf romance." -- John Larsen, LarsenOnFilm.com

Con: "The dialogue ranges from cliches to lines that are so impossibly ridiculous that it must be intentional." -- Peter Hartlaub, San Francisco Chronicle

Pro: "Better than it has any right to be." -- Josh Tyler, CinemaBlend.com

Con: "A neutered Underworld without the vampires, action, and heavy CGI." -- Staci Layne Wilson, Horror.com

Bonus! "At least it's not yet another remake filled with the same old tricks." -- Jeffrey M. Anderson, Cinematical

Catch and Release (17 positive / 60 negative at RT.com)

Pro: "A romantic dramedy that gets it exactly right, gives us people who live and breathe and are as absolutely convincingly real as people you know." -- MaryAnn Johanson, The Flick Filosopher

Con: "The story is essentially ridiculous, and the directing debut of Erin Brockovich screenwriter Susannah Grant is a crashing failure." -- Bill Muller, The Arizona Republic

Pro: "You laugh and you cry, as the cliche goes. You get involved." -- Bruce Kirkland, Toronto Sun

Con: "The dull script is mostly to blame. We just never get a sense of who these people are." -- Jennie Punter, Globe and Mail

Bonus! "The best thing Catch and Release has going for it is a dialogue-heavy script that Grant obviously labored over." -- Jette Kernion, Cinematical

Epic Movie (Did not screen for press: 0 positive / 8 negative at RT.com)

Pro: NONE!

Con: "Almost nothing sticks. There's barely a laugh in this thing." -- Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel

Pro: NADA!

Con: "A miserably scattershot, heavy-wheezing, comedically-challenged waste of time." -- Brian Orndorf, eFilmCritic.com

Bonus! "If all a movie can give you is a small handful of stray and listless chuckles, well, I don't really think that's a movie worthy of your eight dollars." -- Scott Weinberg, Cinematical

Since Epic Movie was not screened for members of the press, here's what I had to spend in order to bring you this review on opening day: A $19 cab ride, a $7 movie ticket and a $10 day-pass for T-Mobile's wireless internet access at a nearby Border's Book Store, which is where I am currently sitting, drinking a (very strong) vanilla latte and trying to figure out how in the hell a movie this sloppy and stupid could ever earn itself a theatrical release. One can only assume that last year's Date Movie (which was perpetrated by the same duo that unleashed Epic Movie) made just enough money to warrant (yet) another pseudo-movie in which a dozen recent blockbusters are spoofed in amazingly limp and uncreative fashion.

Suffice it to say I really took one for the team today. To be completely fair, I chuckled two or three times during the generally witless Epic Movie, which instantly makes the flick more recommendable than Date Movie -- but if all a movie can give you is a small handful of stray and listless chuckles, well, I don't really think that's a movie worthy of your eight dollars (to say nothing of the $36 I just wasted this afternoon).

It's been crazy this past week, what with Sundance (where I chatted with Ginnifer Goodwin about high school reunions and salad on a stick) and Oscar nominations (I wasn't shocked at the Dreamgirls snub, but the exclusion of Guillermo del Toro for Best Director broke my heart). On top of all that, there are a few medium-size movies opening this weekend, making for one of the toughest box office predictions yet.

Epic Movie: From the writers of the Scary Movie series and Date Movie comes another spoof, this one tackling such sacred cows as Pirates of the Caribbean and The Chronicles of Narnia. Let's see, the Scary Movie films have made a gazillion dollars (yes, that's a real number), and Date Movie earned $19 million over last year's three-day President's Day weekend, finishing second to Disney's Eight Below. Clearly audiences have a taste for this kind of movie, and it should do pretty well. Hey, mindless entertainment makes the world go 'round. I've logged countless hours slack-jawed in front of my TV to prove it.
Watch the trailer | Get showtimes & tix | Read synopsis | See photos

Catch and Release: Jennifer Garner stars as a woman whose fiancé dies on the eve of their wedding; Timothy Olyphant (Seth Bullock on HBO's Deadwood) is the hottie who heals her pain. All hail the chick flick! This marks the solo directorial debut of Susannah Grant, who co-directed Charlotte's Web and wrote Erin Brockovich and In Her Shoes. Reviews are middling (49 out of 100 is pretty much exactly in the middle, no?), but this sort of film, like Epic Movie, is review-proof. I still want to see it, and I'll probably wind up watching it 15 times on cable, just like I get sucked in whenever Garner's 13 Going on 30 airs. Hmm, I may be revealing a bit too much about my TV-watching habits in this post ...
Watch the trailer | Get showtimes & tix | See photos | See rising TV stars

Smokin' Aces: Forget what I said about hailing the chick flick. All hail The Piven is what I really meant. That would be Jeremy Piven, aka Ari Gold on HBO's (again with the HB and O!) Entourage. Piven stars as a two-bit hustler in Vegas who pisses off the wrong mobster and finds himself on the run when the kingpin takes out a contract on his life. We've got violence, we've got yooge stars (Ben Affleck, Andy Garcia, Ray Liotta, Common, and Alicia Keys in her big-screen debut), we've got a flick that appeals to young men and has little competition. Could go either way, but never forget the appeal of violence and Vegas, baby! Vegas!
Watch the trailer | Get showtimes & tix | See Piven & Common chat

Also opening wide: Werewolf flick Blood and Chocolate, The Departed (studio is re-releasing)

Anything could happen this week, folks; may as well post the movies up on a wall and throw a dart at it. Go on and take your best shot -- by noon Saturday, please. My picks:

1. Epic Movie
2. Smokin' Aces
3. Dreamgirls
4. Catch and Release
5. Night at the Museum

POST: What's your weekend top five prediction?

POST: What do you think of these movies?

Hey guys -- Kevin's in Park City right now, living deep and sucking out all the marrow of indie cinema. But the world of witty captions is never far from his thoughts, and therefore he asked li'l ol' me to be the shepherd of his Insert Caption game this week. I, for one, am honored to take up the mantle. I promise not to set it on fire.

Last week's photo from The Hitcher brought in tons of great captions, not all of which used the words "safe word," "American Idol," or "Rosie O'Donnell" -- though some of those were still pretty good. (What IS it with Rosie O'Donnell? Don't answer that.) It was a tough call, but in the end our winner is one Frank Townend, who also happened to be one of the first to post. Congrats, Frank! You win your name in boldface letters in a Cinematical post!

See below for Frank's winning caption, then have some fun with this week's photo, from the early frontrunner for next year's Best Picture Oscar, the spoof Epic Movie. Go on, make Kevin proud. Or else I owe him a Coke.

"His baby is the miracle the whole world has been waiting for."

-- Frank Townend

See full image and all captions

This week's contest:

POST: Write your own caption

GET IT: Get more on Epic Movie

While many dog lovers pride themselves on owning a pure-bred animal, I've always been a fan of the mutt, the mongrel, the "Heinz 57 different varieties" if you will. A pure-bred has many fine qualities, but a mixed breed draws its traits from a greater pool of resources. If you've read previous installments of Trailer Park you know how we like to link the trailers together with a common theme. This week, though, I came across five truly noteworthy trailers that don't have a thing in common. Nothing. Nada. Bupkis. And it's the fact that these trailers' strengths lie in such divergent areas that makes the group so interesting as a whole. I give you Trailer Park: The Mongrel Edition.

The Astronaut Farmer
Billy Bob Thornton plays a farmer who is building a rocket in his back yard and is planning to launch himself into space. His loving and mostly supportive wife is played by Virginia Madsen. The locals think he's crazy, and he's recruited his children to help with the project, with his 15-year-old son manning mission control. This one's a head scratcher. It's either going to be an inspiring tale of a man with a can-do attitude, or a cloying pile of schmaltz. Erik Davis first told us about this one back in August of 2005.

Are you among the 14 people who actually paid money to see Date Movie? If so, at any point during that movie did you find yourself thinking "Wow, I really hope someone gives these filmmakers money to make another spoof movie!!"? Well, if so then you're an idiot. Because someone did. And now we have something to look forward to called Epic Movie.

Based on this retina-demolishing trailer, Epic Movie looks to be yet another endless collection of movie-related sketch comedy bits. Yeah, just like Date Movie, all four Scary Movie movies, and every Leslie Nielsen "comedy" post-1981. To be fair, writer/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer spent a good deal of time on their Date Movie audio commentary apologizing for the lame jokes and atrocious filmmaking ... so let's just see if the guys tried a little harder this time out. Sad to say that based solely on the trailer, I'm not exactly holding my breath.

Epic Movie performers include Kal Penn, Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge and Crispin Glover as Willy Wonka. Limp-ass parody bits that'd get booed off the stage on free beer open-mike night include swipes at X-Men, Superman Returns, Pirates of the Caribbean, The Chronicles of Narnia, Nacho Libre, Snakes on a Plane ... Borat, and ... um, Paris Hilton. Witty, timely and truly "epic" stuff there, fellas. I can barely wait to see what Friedberg & Seltzer have cooked up for January 2008. After Scary Movie, Date Movie and Epic Movie, I can only assume the next one will be called Crap Movie.

For those who'd like to know when they should avoid the local multiplex as if it were infected with Insta-Deth Ebola, I'll tell you this: Epic Movie opens on January 27th. And if the thing's even half as wretched as the trailer (or, god help us, Date Movie), I think I may pen a strongly-worded letter to Fox and ask where I can get some of whatever they're obviously taking.