Wonderful as the classic family Christmas movies can be, the overwhelming sugary sweetness in most of them can be a little off-putting to adult audiences. I know my friends tend to gravitate more towards the R-rated holiday fare -- Die Hard, Bad Santa, The Ref, etc. Lord knows Hollywood doesn't want to be bothered coming up with original ideas, so I'm proposing seven remakes of Christmas family classics -- souped up for 2008 and aimed at the 17+ crowd. I've set up the plots and even suggested a possible director for each. Enjoy...

Michael Moore's A Christmas Carol

In Michael Moore's return to narrative filmmaking, George W. Bush plays with his shiny new train set, sets out cookies for Santa Claus, and falls asleep in his footie pajamas while watching Power Rangers. He is awoken in the middle of the night by The Ghost of Christmas Past, who takes Georgie through his days of frat parties, draft dodging, drunk driving, and cocaine abuse. Even faced with hard evidence, Bush denies any involvement. The Ghost of Christmas Present takes Bush deep into a post-Katrina New Orleans, where Bush cracks jokes and enjoys some caramel corn. Stunned by Bush's lack of feeling, the ghost takes him to Iraq, where he sees what Christmas is like for U.S. soldiers. Bush yawns. He is sleepy. The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Bush a world ravaged by the effects of global warming and America hated by countries all across the globe. "Not real concerned about my legacy, Future Dude" chuckles Bush, and he falls asleep safe in his bed. Bush wakes up twelve hours later, having learned absolutely nothing. As the movie ends, he runs over a homosexual couple with his truck and kicks a sick orphan in the face.

When you ask people to name their favorite holiday movies, the same answers crop up everywhere: It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, Miracle on 34th Street, and perhaps some version of A Christmas Carol (Muppet Christmas Carol and Scrooged seem most popular these days). A few people might try to be different and name Die Hard or Bad Santa, and a few traditionalists might reminisce about Meet Me in St. Louis. And of course there's the Silent Night, Deadly Night crowd. Personally, I would have to bring up Auntie Mame.

But the movies I'm about to mention have only a few fans these days. Most are widely available on DVD, and are not shown very often during the holiday season. Some are forgotten treasures, some date badly. One is a well-known Oscar winner that may be too depressing for some New Year's Eve viewers. But if you are tired of watching Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed, or have had enough of the leg lamp and the Red Ryder BB gun, consider some of these films for your holiday viewing ... if you can find them.

Let me just start off by saying, I actually really like Vince Vaughn. But for some reason, the airbrushed, "kinder and gentler" Vaughn in the four new posters for the comedy Fred Claus is just creeping me out. The story centers on Vaughn as the no-goodnik brother of the Santa Claus, who tries to mend some familial rifts by helping out with the family business. Paul Giamatti plays the big guy in red, with Vaughn (obviously) as the black sheep in the family. The cast also includes Rachel Weisz, Miranda Richardson, and Kevin Spacey. Claus was directed by The Wedding Crashers', David Dobkin from a script by Dan Fogelman, and this is Dobkin's third film with Vaughn; their working relationship began back in 1998 with the black comedy Clay Pigeons, so they seem to enjoy working with each other.

Claus is set for release on November 9th, sandwiched between a couple of other high-profile family films -- Jerry Seinfield's Bee Movie, and Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium starring Natalie Portman and Dustin Hoffman. Last November, Erik had given us news of the teaser for Claus, and I will admit, it looked like it had the potential to be pretty funny. There were no actual scenes from the film mind you, but the deadpan shtick that Vaughn and Giamatti provided seemed like it might be an antidote to the toothless comedy of most holiday movies. Combined with the solid cast, and Vaughn and Dobkin's track record, I'm thinking maybe this won't be another lame holiday offering. Unfortunately, the elf/ninja joke showcased in one poster also has me thinking otherwise.

You've heard his voice a million times, and now you can actually see what he looks like. Don LaFontaine, who has provided the "This summer, one man fights injustice and tyranny ..." voiceovers for over 3,500 different projects appears in this video, along with a sleigh-load of other voiceover talent reading "The Night Before Christmas." Aside from the Blockbuster commercials a few years ago, and the bizarre yet funny short film Five Men and a Limo which was made for the 26th Annual Hollywood Reporter Key Art Awards from 1997 (that's a mouthful), you've probably never seen this guy's face.

Now's your chance to see him, Eddie Deezen, Dennis Haysbert, Jim Cummings and a load of other voice over actors (hey, you throw the voice of Pooh and Tigger into anything, and I'm a sucker for it) instead of just hearing them. They do a great job of it, and even throw in some Hanukkah cheer. After the jump, gather your friends and family around the warm glow of the computer screen, and let them soak in the wonderment of something you never see: the face of voiceover artists.

I am one of the world's worst gift wrappers. People look at the presents I give them, and ask if I let my niece or nephew wrap the gift for me. I admit I can't be bothered to spend a lot of time getting the ribbons to curl just so, and to make sure that the wrapping paper fits the present size before I start cutting it out. Over the years, I've learned to rely a lot on gift bags, which are reusable (good for the environment) and look very smart with some tissue paper and perhaps a little raffia used to attach the gift tag. The gift bags were also good for quick last-minute wrapping during the years when I used to take the plane to my parents' house for the holidays, because wrapped gifts aren't allowed on flights.

A big reason why my gift wrapping isn't fabulous, however, is that I don't pay much attention. I'm very fond of putting on a movie in the background while I'm wrapping presents. The idea is that the movie should be something I've seen before, so I am not tempted to put down the scissors and ribbons and watch closely. It's also nice to watch a movie with a holiday theme, to get me in the right spirit for all that gift wrapping.

Therefore, I've put together a list of seven movies that are my favorites for background watching while wrapping presents during the holiday season. Many of them are on TV during the holiday season, so if you're stuck in the back bedroom of someone else's house on Christmas Eve, frantically wrapping before anyone comes in to see what you're giving them, you might be able to find one of these movies on cable (Turner Classic Movies especially).

One of my all-time favorite films is the 1938 version of Holiday, the lesser-known of two movies adapted from Philip Barry plays that starred Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant. The better-known film is The Philadelpha Story, which was filmed a couple of years later. I like Holiday better; it's less talky and artificial. The story—about a hard-working man who wants to quit big business after he earns enough money to support himself (and maybe a wife) so he can have a holiday and see what's going on in the world—isn't dated and in fact seems quite relevant today. The publicity shot above doesn't quite reflect the relationship Grant and Hepburn's characters share in the film: he's engaged to her sister, and she's the black sheep of her wealthy old family.

Holiday has been released on DVD in the U.S. for the first time on Tuesday as part of The Cary Grant Box Set from Sony. I hope it also will receive a single-disc release in this country soon. I've been waiting for years and years for an American DVD release for this movie, so you know exactly how I'm spending my entertainment-budget money this week. I am crossing my fingers for a decent DVD transfer. (Now, if only I could get the chance to see the 1930 adaptation of Holiday ... but since the only print is in the Library of Congress, I won't hold my breath.)