Enough with the same old lists of favorite holiday movies! Every year, I see the same entries, probably because there hasn't been a good Christmas movie in years. At least here at Cinematical we shake things up a bit and present you with our favorite Christmas horror, favorite Christmas action, favorite holiday musicals, favorite Christmas movies for Jews, favorites you probably haven't seen, favorite R-rated Christmas, Scrooge's favorites, least favorite obnoxious Christmas comedies and we have a guy who really hates the usual favorites, including A Christmas Story.

Last year we also had a list of non-Christmas movies set during Christmas. Somewhat similar to that, I present you with my favorite non-Christmas movies NOT set during Christmas. I know, that just defines any movie that isn't a holiday movie. I could pick ... Old School ... or The Hunt for Red October. But there's actually some logic here. On Christmas I like to avoid all true holiday movies, whether they are about Christmas, set at Christmas, make fun of Christmas, steal Christmas, blow sh*t up at Christmas, whatever. Yet there is enough holiday spirit in me to choose movies that could almost just barely be associated with Christmas, at least for me. So, if you're tired of It's a Wonderful Life, Gremlins, Home Alone, Santa Claus: The Movie, or whatever you normally watch today, try out one or seven of these:

My Neighbor Totoro (Hayao Miyazaki, 1988)

I've never been a big fan of Santa Claus as a character. If I had to reinvent Christmas I'd choose another large jolly figure that brings joy to young children: the Totoro, specifically the largest, O-Totoro/Miminzuku. He's kind of like Santa without the annoying "ho, ho, ho", and he's probably more fun to fly with (the Catbus is likely also more comfy than a reindeer-led sleigh). Sure, Totoro's origins are more Shinto than Christian, but isn't appropriation what Christmas is all about?


Brewster's Millions (Walter Hill, 1985)

Or is Christmas really all about consumerism? The Richard Pryor and John Candy version of George Barr McCutcheon's novel (also adapted in 1914, 1921, 1926, 1935, 1945 and 1961) is one of my favorite movies that both celebrates and scorns the idea of being rich and the act of spending money frivolously (Capra's Mr. Deeds Goes to Town is another). In the movie, Pryor is a minor league baseball player who inherits $30 million that he has to blow in 30 days, after which if he's successful at maintaining no assets or savings, he receives $300 million. Another fun Pryor comedy that would make for great holiday viewing is The Toy, in which he's bought by Jackie Gleason as a plaything for his son (but that one might be viewed as a tad too racist nowadays).

Lots of Christmas songs appear in lots of movies, and we all know how bad and how monotonous they can get. The following is a list of seven Christmas songs in seven Christmas movies that stand out. They're used for some particular purpose, rather than just dressing. Hopefully these songs lend new meaning to their movies, and vice versa. And in the end, everything becomes just a little more tolerable.

1. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," from Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
This song has become a standard, of course. But looking at its very first performance by Judy Garland shows that it was actually meant ironically. Esther Smith (Garland) sings it while looking out the window at a forlorn winter's night, her sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) at her side. (The family may have to move away from their beloved St. Louis home.) Tears flow, and the scene is accompanied by Tootie's wanton destruction of a carefully-crafted family of snow people on the lawn.

2. "Christmas in Hollis," from Die Hard (1988)
While waiting in a limo, just downstairs from the chaos in his wife's building, John McClane (Bruce Willis) listens to the radio. The limo driver Argyle (De'voreaux White) plays the just-released hip-hop Christmas song by Run-DMC. "Don't you have any Christmas music?" McClane asks. "This is Christmas music!" Argyle replies excitedly, moving to the beat. I'm not sure how many other hip-hop Christmas songs have been recorded since then, but they have some big shoes to fill. (Runner-up: "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" played during the closing credits.)

Who is Charlize Theron to know which of her movies are good or not? During a recent interview in Esquire magazine, the actress had the following to say about Reindeer Games, one of her early films: "That was a bad, bad, bad movie. But even though the movie might suck, I got to work with John Frankenheimer. I wasn't lying to myself -- that's why I did it. I mean, he directed The Manchurian Candidate, which is like the movie of all movies." Okay, let me stop you right there, Charlize. Have you actually seen The Manchurian Candidate? It's a movie where Janet Leigh plays a Chinese workman. Frankenheimer was an artist of the absurd, and sure, Reindeer Games doesn't work on traditional dramatic levels -- you don't care a lick about what happens to any of the characters -- but you can't watch that movie and not know that the director is completely, deliberately trying to screw with your head. Frankenheimer knew exactly what genre conventions he was working with in this film, and he decided to explode them.

In his negative review, Roger Ebert noted that "just a nudge and the movie would fall over into self-parody and maybe work better. But I fear it is essentially serious." Fear not, Roger. This is not a serious movie, but yes, it does require the characters to act serious, because they think they're in a Christmas-themed gangster plot -- how else should they act? For those who haven't had the pleasure, Reindeer Games opens in prison as Rudy (Ben Affleck) is about to be released from prison. His cell mate, Nick, has an ultra-hot girlfriend on the outside -- yeah, right -- and after Nick is stabbed to death, Rudy upon his release decides to tell the girl he is Nick. She won't know the difference. Turns out the girl, played by Charlize, has a crazy criminal brother played by Gary Sinise who has designs on Nick-Rudy. And that's only the beginning. The movie ultimately pulls rug after rug out from under us, becoming more ludicrous in the last thirty minutes than any serious-minded movie in crime picture history.

Most of us are probably painfully aware of the stress of the holidays when it comes to familial relationships. Films about families tell the one story that practically anyone can relate to. So in the spirit of feeling better about ourselves I've compiled a list of some of the most dysfunctional families in film. Maybe after taking a look at some big-screen dysfunction, we can sit back and take a little solace in that at least none of us have to sit down to Christmas dinner with any of the people on the following list.

1. Spanking the Monkey

Before he was famous on You Tube for his demented freak-out on the set of I Heart Huckabees, David O. Russell was famous for making the unthinkable; a comedy about incest. Monkey stars Alberta Watson as Susan Aibelli; a lonely and depressed mother who develops a sexual relationship with her son after they are left alone together for the summer. Jeremy Davis stars as her son and the subject of this unlikely coming-of-age story. The film might not be for the weak of heart, but it did manage to win an audience award at Sundance in 1994, and was responsible for turning Russell into the megalomaniac we've all come to know and love.

2. Ordinary People

Besides going down in infamy as the film that beat Raging Bull out of a 'Best Picture Oscar', this 1981 drama about a family dealing with the loss of it's 'favored son' was the directorial debut of Robert Redford. Timothy Hutton stars as the younger brother who is readjusting to life after a botched suicide attempt. Donald Sutherland and Mary Tyler Moore also star as the parents to Hutton and Judd Hirsch as the prototypical 'earthy NY Jewish' psychiatrist. So for anyone who watched Mary Tyler Moore as the epitome of 'chirpiness' during the seven year run of her self-titled series, get ready to be blown away, because her performance as a cold and repressed suburban mom is one of the best there is.

One of the perennial favorites for TV broadcast at this time of year is the 1945 film Christmas in Connecticut, starring Barbara Stanwyck. I sat down for the first time in years to watch the entire movie, and gave it my full attention in a way that I never did while I was wrapping presents or chatting with relatives or trimming the tree. As I suspect from my half-assed viewing of the film over the years, Christmas in Connecticut is a very slight movie; if it weren't related to Christmas, or didn't star Stanwyck, most of us might never have heard of it.

The plot is pretty lame: Liz Lane (Stanwyck) has gained career success by writing a series of columns about the joys of being a housewife and mom on her farm in Connecticut -- a Forties version of Martha Stewart. Trouble is, she's really a single NYC career girl who can barely boil water, and who gets her recipes from her Uncle Felix (S.Z. Sakall), who runs a restaurant. This was never an issue until her publisher Alexander Yeardley (Sydney Greenstreet) decides to accompany war hero Jefferson Jones (Dennis Morgan) to Liz's Connecticut farm for Christmas to experience home cooking and happy holiday domesticity. Liz talks her longtime cold fish of a suitor into lending his farm, they bring Felix along to cook, and even manage to borrow a baby ... but can they pull this off without Liz and her editor losing their jobs?

'Tis the season to get away from your family, bundle up with a gallon of moonshine (preferably one with "XXX" written on the label), and watch endless hours of movies! What follows is not a comprehensive or "Best Of" list. These are simply seven DVD box sets that any film buff would be thrilled to find in his or her stocking this Christmas. Most of them were released in the past few months, and a couple have been out a while but just got amazingly cheap. Have a few gifts left to buy? Consider picking one of these up. You don't even have to get off your fat ass, if you click on the titles you'll be taken to the links on Amazon. I've included items to suit every budget, and they've been arranged in order of price. Naturally, the more expensive the set you purchase, the more you love the person you're buying it for. That's just the way it works.

The Alien Quadrilogy ($33.99)

Pretty much the gold standard for DVD box sets. This collection's price recently took an incredible drop. It was worth every penny of the $80 bucks I paid for mine years ago, so you can better believe it's worth $34. The set gives you several versions of each film in the beloved Alien series -- Alien (one of the best suspense movies ever made), Aliens (one of the best action movies ever made), Alien 3 (David Fincher's misunderstood take is a stronger movie with each viewing), and Alien: Resurrection (Nobody's perfect). An unprecedented amount of extra goodies that includes the amazing Director's Cut of Aliens, extremely cool fold-out packaging, and the absence of Alien Vs. Predator make this set a must-own. I've owned it for four years, and still haven't seen everything in there. Plus, don't you just love the word "Quadrilogy?"

The Muppet Christmas Carol may be to the Muppets what Room Service is to the Marx Brothers. Neither is particularly good, especially in relation to the rest of the Muppet or Marx Brothers movies, but they can still be enjoyed immensely if you are a big enough fan of the Muppets or the Marxes. The films share two significant factors that aided in their surprisingly low quality. Each comedy "troupe" (if you can accept Kermit & Co. as a troupe) had recently suffered from a terrible disruption in their respective commands. Muppet Christmas Carol was the first Muppet movie produced after the death of Jim Henson, while Room Service was the first Marx Bros. movie to be filmed (fully) after the death of producer Irving Thalberg (though, of course, Thalberg was not the Bros.' creator like Henson was the Muppets'). And, most importantly, each is notable for having not been written for their "troupe"; instead the "troupe" was rather ill fittingly dropped into pre-existing stories.

In the case of The Muppet Christmas Carol, that pre-existing story is of course Charles Dicken's A Christmas Carol in Prose, Being a Ghost Story of Christmas (umm, commonly known as simply A Christmas Carol). Unlike previous Muppet vehicles, such as The Muppet Movie and The Muppets Take Manhattan, this one focuses on a main character not played by a Muppet. Instead, Michael Caine portrays the lead, Ebenezer Scrooge, while the old favorites play minor supporting characters from Bob Crachit (Kermit) and his wife (Miss Piggy) to the narrators, Charles Dickens (Gonzo) and Rizzo the Rat (himself). Strangely the Christmas spirits aren't played by any of the star Muppets. In fact, only one of them is even technically a puppet: the Ghost of Christmas Present, which is a burly, redheaded body puppet (has an actor inside) with a Scottish accent.

If you're like me and not into children's movies of any kind, then good news -- there is a whole library of R-rated Christmas classics that you can put on during the Christmas celebration this year and not have to worry about being subjected to the Dora the Explorer Christmas Special or whatnot. Most of these titles won't come as a surprise, since they are movies you know and love already, but there's nothing wrong with a handy guide, is there?

Die Hard

Die Hard contains all of life's lessons. Who amongst us hasn't been an Argyle, completely oblivious while the storm-clouds of danger were gathering over our head? Or been faced with the choice to walk or not walk across a floor of broken glass (metaphorical, in most cases) in order to meet our stated objectives? That's why it's such a perfect movie for holiday-time reflection. You can sit back with your tumbler of egg nog and your gingerbread man cookies and know that you're watching a true work of art, not just a mindless shoot-em-up. If you're feeling really charitable, you can even place a collect call to the slammer and congratulate John McTiernan on directing one of the best films of the 80s, and one of the few movies to capture the true spirit of Christmas.

Lethal Weapon

I've already had my say about Lethal Weapon, but I can always be persuaded to say more. Here's some food for thought: Is Lethal's status as a Christmas classic tarnished by Martin Rigg's unexpected outburst of homophobic hate speech during the pistol range sequence? I'm talking of course about his off the cuff assertion to Roger -- while drilling bullet holes into a paper target with a maniacal look in his eye -- that Amanda Hunsaker's purported lesbianism with hooker friend Dixie is "disgusting." That's the kind of thing -- like the casual pot smoking in Poltergeist -- that eventually finds itself quietly excised from future release editions. Also, we can assume he became a liberal in time for Lethal Weapon 2, in which he's an anti-apartheid crusader. Go spit, Riggs!

What's the definition of a "Christmas movie?" Is it a simple matter of setting in time, a more complex question of tone, an ineffable connection to the Christmas spirit? I can't answer that, but I can tell you one thing.

Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

It's bloody, brutal and base; it's punchy, puckish and profane ... and it's unequivocally a Christmas movie, or it wouldn't be in the rotation at my house -- and, I suspect, some of yours -- every December as reliably as it is, nor would that annual process of returning to my mind seem as welcome as it is. Normally, in a piece about a film, here's where I'd recap the plot, but seriously, do you need one here? Have you been in cryogenic suspension? Are you leaving the Amish faith after 20 years and figured you'd turn to the internets to catch up? It's Die Hard. You know the plot. And if you need a refresher, go watch it. Right now. We'll be here when you get back.

Just a few more shopping days left until Christmas, and I'm just about done. We always get a couple DVDs for the kids stockings. When the sugar high from all the cookies and candy has worn off, there's nothing better than a new DVD (or two) to settle the kids down and give the grown-ups a little much-needed quiet time (or time to watch those movies Santa left in our own Christmas stockings ...). If you're looking for a few things to round out your own shopping, here are seven sure-to-please DVDs for kids of various ages:

High School Musical/High School Musical 2 -- If you have a tween girl in your house, all things High School Musical are likely at or near the top of your list. Disney knocked the ball out of the park with the resounding success of this musical for kids last year, and followed it up with High School Musical 2 (I liked the first one better, but my kids like them both). While the High School Musical films may not be that well-reviewed critically, these DVDs (trust me on this) top the Christmas lists of tweens and teens everywhere. Just be prepared to watch them over and over again, until the song "We're All in This Together" is permanently embedded in your brain and you want to claw your eyes out find yourself singing it in the shower while you practice your cool dance moves. Psst ... I hear Erik Davis knows all the lyrics and dance steps by heart, and he doesn't even have kids.