Everyone's favorite whip-cracking archaeologist is back, and I found myself trying to keep a very even keel as the lights went down for Indiana Jones' latest series of exploits: On one hand I didn't want to be "too nice" to the movie (nostalgia power does strange things to people), but I was more than willing to fall in love with the flick, too. Sometimes it's tough be a hardcore fan and an objective analyst at the same time. Fortunately, all that preparation was a waste of time, because while it's hardly the best of the series (not that we were expecting it to be), Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull delivers an irresistible infusion of matinee-style mayhem that, really, we don't get enough of these days. If the movie suffers from a few slow spots, some action bits that really strain credibility, and a semi-clunky plot that simply goes from A to B to C, those gripes can be forgiven in the face of a total package that's this exciting, amusing, and just plain old welcome.

For those who choose to remain spoiler-free, I'll keep the synopsis sketchy: Basically, it's 1957 and good ol' Indiana Jones has fallen on rough times. He's been exploited by the KGB, berated by the U.S. government, fired from his university job, and left with little recourse but to head into the wild and get lost. But just as Dr. Jones is about to vanish, up pops a teenager who needs his help: An old ally of Jones' has been abducted while searching for a secret Incan temple -- and this assignment is all our hero needs to feel a bit better. There's a LOT more to the plot, but it's more fun to discover the secrets along with the characters. Suffice to say that most of Crystal Skull consists of Jones and his new sidekick Mutt (Shia LaBeouf) getting into all sorts of crazy scrapes with a tacky treasure hunter (Ray Winstone), a raving lunatic (John Hurt), a psychic villain (Cate Blanchett), and old girlfriend Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen). Oh, and a giant crystal skull that just about everyone wants for themselves.

After a 19-year sabbatical, the Doctor will see you now. Or, rather, you will see the doctor; after Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade put Harrison Ford's fedora-wearing rogue academic into the pop culture pantheon of greats, expectations are at a fever pitch for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Today's Cannes press screening feels like a courtesy at best; no critic's negative review will keep people from seeing this film -- and yet, at the same time, no amount of enthusiasm or expectation or nostalgia can make up for the things that Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull gets wrong in its strained effort to throw Indiana Jones back up on the big screen.

Crystal Skull begins in 1957, as the Cold War is getting warmer; we're plunged into the thick of things, with Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) dragooned into helping a group of Soviet interlopers ransack the secret storage depot at Area 51 for a lost artifact of great power. The Commie bad guys are lead by the raven-haired razor-banged Irina Spalko (Cate Blanchett), whose early declaration " ... three times have I received the Order of Lenin ..." tells you a lot of what you need to know about her, and also serves as about all you're going to get. Spalko's hunting for the storyline-starting MacGuffin; Dr. Jones gets away, but the Soviets get the thingamabob; the chase is on.

Take from this what you will, but Jeff Wells over at Hollywood Elsewhere claims to have heard from a "guy who knows a guy on the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull team" that Ferris passed out at 31 flavors last night. Okay, actually, this person claims to have watched a cut of the new film and Wells is flying with a bunch of quotes this morning that he's not "100% comfortable running," but knows they'll bring in about 100% more traffic for his site. Among the non-spoilerish highlights:

• Crystal Skull is "the best of the Indy sequels." "Steven Spielberg's helming puts the imitators (The Mummy, National Treasure) to shame. There are many breakneck set pieces, with a protracted jungle chase being particularly memorable. As well as being evocative of the truck chase from the first movie."
• Harrison Ford "gives his best performance in the role, not only physically belying his age but layering in welcome poignancy. More than before, audiences will be rooting for Indy."
  
• "The film has the strongest supporting cast of the sequels."
• Apparently, the film also includes an "ending that any longtime diehard fan of the films could only dream about."

Really? Dream about? I can dream about a lot of things. Once again, we have no idea who this person is and whether or not they have an "agenda,", but here's hoping they're 100% right on the money. A few new photos from the film have also hit the internets (via Slashfilm via some foreign mag), so check those out in the gallery below. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull arrives on May 22.