At some point imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery, and it looks like it's already happened with the whole notion of tabloid names re-creating famous retro shot(s). (If, of course, you appreciate the first round to begin with.) We had Lindsay Lohan channeling Marilyn Monroe for New York Magazine. Now Jessica Simpson is taking her shot by mimicking Virna Lisi in 1965 for May's Esquire cover.

The NY Daily News quotes George Lois discussing the old and legendary shoot: "I spoofed the upcoming woman's movement by slapping shaving cream on the beautiful blonde Italian actress Virna Lisi [because] no American beauty had the [bleeps] to pose for it." Yeah ... Something tells me that there's no spoofing or social commentary here. About the only thing that sounds similar is the idea that no one else would do it, but I don't think Simpson reaches the word of Lisi. Oh Simpson, I have to at least give you props for continuing to try and make it.

On a side note: Am I the only one who missed the wonderfully artistic and free of busy text covers of yesterday?

[via Defamer]

I could have stolen the more dubious headline from Fark.com, but I'd rather just acknowledge that site's ever-hilarious subbys. Plus, I wanted to get straight to the point. The Ukrainians love Jessica Simpson! Either that or they love Luke Wilson, Penelope Ann Miller or Andy Dick. All of these people star in the movie Blonde Ambition, which opened this past weekend in the Eastern European nation and shockingly claimed the #1 spot at the box office. With a gross of $253,008, it actually beat out also-opener Definitely, Maybe and has already out-done the Ukraine releases of Atonement, which has only made $237,481 in 5 weeks, and Alvin and the Chipmunks, which has brought in $235,158 in 9 weeks. People magazine got a quote from Box Office Mojo editor-in-chief Conor Bresnan regarding the news: ""The former Soviet nations have a sweet tooth for straight-up comedies. When these comedies have big name celebrities like Jessica Simpson's, that's all that's needed to sell the movie. Russian and Ukrainian audiences have an even bigger urge for escapism than Americans. So, films like Blonde Ambition will gross more than No Country for Old Men."

Hey, he's right! I can't find any listing for No Country for Old Men grosses in the Ukraine, but Russia and the CIS (Commonwealth of Independent States) do actually like Blonde Ambition a teeny bit better.. The Coen Bros. movie only took in $286,387 in its first weekend while Blonde Ambition grossed $302,531 during its opening. All of this is pretty amazing, considering the Simpson movie barely even received a theatrical release in the States, and even then it only had a per-screen average of $48. I won't go as far as imply that the Ukraine is weak -- as a Fark.com commenter did by linking to this Seinfeld clip -- but it can't be denied that they've got an interesting taste in movies.

Remember that Jessica Simpson film called Blonde Ambition that was supposed to be going straight to DVD after everyone involved pretty much agreed that it sucked, and wasn't worth a theatrical release? Well, according to Slashfilm, Blonde Ambition was given a theatrical release this weekend on 8 screens in Simpson's hometown of Texas. (In case you're interested, the film will officially hit DVD on January 22.) So you figure since the film is opening on eight screens in the gal's hometown, that all theaters would be packed full of hardcore Simpson fans, friends, random acquaintances -- what have you.

Yeah, well try this one on for size: The flick grossed a whopping $384 bucks on Friday, meaning the per screen average was $48. Slashfilm breaks it down even more: "Based on an $8 ticket price, that means that 6 people paid to see the movie at each of those theatres, and only 48 people went to see the movie! That's amazing! One of the worst performances a movie has ever had. I am projecting that Jessica's "star vehicle" will gross just $1,190 this weekend or $149 per location." Six people per theater? If that's not the definition of pathetic, I don't know what is. Additionally, Simpson ain't the most popular person in Texas right now, considering the fact that ever since she started dating Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, the guy's weekly performance has declined to a point where his teammates don't even want the girl near the stadium for fear she'll ruin the team's Superbowl chances. Yup, the next Julia Roberts she most certainly is.

UPDATE: Cinematical's Peter Martin, a Dallas resident, informed me of the following: "The film opened on three Dallas-area theaters -- all Cinemark Discount Theatres, with tickets on Friday and Saturday after 6:00 pm priced at $2.00 (matinee prices: $1.00). Still a pathetic performance, but means a few more people actually attended. That's balanced by the fact that it's the only new release playing at the bargain theatres, which is embarrassing in itself."

There are girls who make the waves in the media world because of their exploits (Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears), and then there are some special ones who just know how to keep gossip-fiends hooked with their strange vacation from reality. Jessica Simpson is one of those people. If you thought Blonde Ambition or Major Movie Star (as if) were laughable, get ready for this -- she wants to be the next Julia Roberts. Or, at least, follow in her footsteps a little and play a hooker.

Yes, dear Cinematical readers, Jessica Simpson wants to star in a remake of Pretty Woman. According to OK! Magazine's source, "She thinks this one's got 'hit' written all over it.' Her father Joe has been telling anyone who will listen that she's the next Julia." Yeah, so as her manager, he's got to talk her up, but there's a difference between being positive about your talent (for lack of a better word), and making ridiculous comparisons. I would ask if she's really that clueless, but after her television show, and her myriad of insane statements, I think that's clear. And, no, I'm not talking about the Heckerling sort of Clueless.

And here I thought Simpson taking on the role of Sandy for a Grease remake was bad ... but I'll hand the mic over to you. Would you like to see Miss Jessica as a Pretty Woman? Can you see her winning an Oscar one day? Have we all just somehow disregarded her amazing acting talents?

Everyone who misses Steve Guttenberg raise your hand. I wasn't the only one, I hope. Maybe you want to pretend you didn't love Officer Mahoney, but you know you did. And you probably even enjoyed him in Three Men and a Baby and its sequel, Three Men and a Little Lady, as well as Cocoon and its sequel, Cocoon: The Return. Oh yeah, and Short Circuit? And Diner? Even if you weren't a Police Academy fan (he was in four out of seven of the movies), you had to be able to find something you enjoyed him in. Well, according to The Hollywood Reporter, he's back. Actually, he never disappeared; he was just doing less-seen work. In fact, this new project may be yet another of those little-seen gigs -- but at least he's getting his name in the trades!

Unfortunately, this new gig also seems to be nothing like his old roles. Guttenberg is playing a father whose son falls down a well. Titled The Well, the movie doesn't even sound like a comedy; it's about a divorcing couple whose kid disappears. Could anything be less Mahoney-esque? I doubt there will be even one scene featuring Guttenberg hitting on a hot new police recruit. What a waste. Joining the actor is Irish actress Aislinn Sands and British actor Dominic Rickhards. The Well, which begins filming in Berlin this week, was written by Sabine Leipert and Julia Newmann and will be directed by Stephen Manuel, who just finished a movie called Perfect Hideout, starring Billy Zane. Meanwhile, those of us who really miss Guttenberg can force ourselves to watch him and Jessica Simpson in Major Movie Star, which is set for release by Warner Bros. sometime next year.

Anyway, I'm wondering what you guys think was Guttenberg's biggest career mistake: turning down Big; turning down Ghostbusters; or departing the Police Academy franchise after #4. Also, extra points for the first commenter to tell us what this post's headline references. Bonus extra points for telling me how the Stonecutters fit in, as well.

While they might be all sorts of succulent and tasty, poultry gets the crappy end of the slang stick. The chicken is the coward, and instead of a platter signifying all things delectable, turkeys are considered the foolish and often useless. To top that off -- when turkeys hit the celebrity realm, well, they're usually also box office bombs. In honor of our never-ending love of celebrity gossip, train-wrecks, and disaster stories, I present you with seven tasty turkeys in honor of our upcoming turkey day. Many are just a gross waste of potential, and some, I'm sure you'll agree, don't even have half the potential that studios give them credit for. Whatever the reason, they're all riding the stinker train.

Gobble, gobble!


Paris Hilton

She's mocked by many, loved by few, but Paris Hilton seems to be able to outlast even the little train that could. Prison didn't stop her, and neither do crappy movies. Working backwards: Pledge This! was so very bad that it's pretty much off the radar; the same goes for Bottoms Up; House of Wax did alright, but doesn't hold the moviegoer love; and, which Hillz? Yet somehow, somewhere, she got cast in Repo! The Genetic Opera!, which let her loose on the streets of Toronto to gripe over sex tape woes. We keep waiting for her to fall, or go away, but I'm starting to think that this super-skinny turkey is here to stay. She's like one of those inflatable boxing stand-ups that somehow swings its way upright each and every time.

I thought twice about posting this because I really didn't want to ruin your Friday, but then I'd be disappointing all those Jessica Simpson fans out there. What to do? What to do? Oh well -- There's a new trailer out for Simpson's Major Movie Star, and I can't imagine anyone wanted to premiere it because Millennium Films stuck it somewhere on their website where the only people who could find it would be those searching for information on the film. Which means I expect all of about zero of you to have seen it already. About halfway through the thing Vivica Fox blurts out the line, "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth." After watching this disaster unfold, part of me thinks that line wasn't in the script.

In the film, Simpson plays a really famous actress (that part is funny) who blows all her money, goes bankrupt and decides to join the Army. Essentially, it's like an updated version of Goldie Hawn's Private Benjamin, only Simpson plays an actress whose movies are actually popular. And I give her credit for that performance seeing as she honestly had no real-life experience to draw from. So, what you get are a bunch of stereotypical boot camp scenes; Simpson runs through the mud, says something cute, kisses a guy and throughout the entire thing we get a voiceover from some random dude who's not our regular voiceover guy. It's so bad that it almost feels like you're watching one of those fake trailer mash-ups on YouTube. Between this film (which doesn't have a release date; wonder why?) and Blonde Ambition (which doesn't have a release date; wonder why?), Jessica Simpson's major movie career is heading for a major .... (you fill in the blank).

Sometimes news is better than anything our twisted minds could ever cook up. Not only has moviemaker rationale completely left the universe, but Michelle Pfeiffer's sanity has gone with it, if a recent article from News.com.au is to be believed. She says that she has been approached about an upcoming remake of the epically dirty, kid-friendly classic, Grease, and I quote: "It's a great idea and I hear they would like to get Jessica Simpson for the role of Sandy, she would be good." Oh, God. Where do I start?! This might just be a sign that the apocalypse is coming.

Okay. Let me start with the hideous part of this news: Simpson would be good? Simpson is being looked at for SANDY? Now, no matter how much I am not into her as an actress, and how wary I am of musical remakes (my response to Footloose exemplifies that), who in their right mind would cast someone who can't even get her features released? And in a starring role of a remake of a beloved musical? Has no one heard about Blonde Ambition? This seriously can't be true. If they wanted to remake Grease 2, and put Rob Schneider in the role Johnny Nogerelli, I could see it -- Zmed, Schneider... I can dig it in a goofy sort of way. But man, I'd love to hear what Olivia Newton-John says about all of this.

Now onto Pfeiffer. She says that she wants to play Principal McGee: "She is fun and has some great put-down lines. I think I would like the part now that I have been asked." However, cut into my cheese-loving heart, she detests her role in Grease 2: "I hated that film with a vengeance and could not believe how bad it was. At the time I was young and didn't know any better... I hear it's a cult movie now." Yeah, Michelle, it is. It's even one of the reasons Brian Herzlinger loves Drew Barrymore. Anyway, why rant about one and then want to be in a remake of the other? But even that doesn't matter as much as how and why she'd think Simpson would be good in this.

I must stop ranting about this now, as I could go on for pages and no one wants that. But let's have some fun first. We've got Simpson as Sandy, so what other terrible casting choices could they make to really make this potential remake even more laughable?

[via Cinema Blend]

Well, one thing everyone (at least, reviewers) seems to agree on is the fact that Good Luck Chuck is terrible. No, I'm not talking half-and-half terrible, but almost 100% awful. So far, the flick is sporting (as of noon Friday) 3 out of 36 positive reviews -- and those are more like "hey, it's crap, but the kids will like it." So, in honor of this cinematic assault, MSNBC chatted with industry insiders, journalists, and bloggers to see who they thought were the people least-deserving of the spotlight. (With Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie immediately disqualified, of course.)

Now, you probably won't agree with all of this list. Heck, you might even think they're crazy, but this isn't about being a decent actor, but whether these guys deserve all the hype they are getting. Do they have the goods to back up the mega-stardom, or are they riding the celebrity machine? Their list: the Jessicas (Alba, Biel, Simpson), Adrian Grenier, Elton John, Nicole Kidman, Carlos Mencia, John Travolta, and Renee Zellweger.* Surprisingly, they left off Tom Cruise. I guess they had to pick which Scientologist actor would take the final space.

So yeah, this is all over the place. The Jessicas are definitely aided by the celebrity, but good ol' Elton has the celebrity because of the years of success and experience (although I don't think I'm the only one who would love to see him return to stuff like Tiny Dancer). And what about people like Kirsten Dunst and Scarlett Johansson, or Colin Farrell and Orlando Bloom? What actors and actresses would you put on this list?

*The final name has been added -- she was hiding below one of those pesky ads.

Jenna Jameson. As I'm sure you know, she's a pretty popular porn star who wrote How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale -- a book that stayed on the New York Times bestseller list for six weeks. (I'll refrain from bemoaning a world that lets that happen!) What is there to say? According to her Wikipedia entry, a lot -- rape, porn, implants, women, men, marriage, divorce, miscarriage, cancer. Sounds like an upper, eh? Lots of sex intermingled with heartache. We already know that Jameson wanted Scarlett Johansson to play her. Yeah right. Now IGN is helping the powers-that-be behind the upcoming feature come up with possibilities.

Maybe I'm being a stickler, but I'm having a hard time thinking any actress in Hollywood could pull off Jameson, even if they wanted. The woman has one chin plant (whatever) and sported two, yes TWO rounds of breast implants to make a big triple-D. Unless they're planning to show her life without all the sex (which would be dumb as that would drastically cut into the potential audience), they've got to have a woman with ... at least grapefruits, if not basketballs, resting in their bra.

IGN offers the following actresses: Fergie, Heather Graham, Erica Durance, Rachel McAdams and Jessica Simpson. Okay, I'm on board with Fergie. But the rest really aren't porn-star endowed, since I think they are all sporting their natural curves. Check it out for yourself (no nudity, but of course, there is cleavage): natural, implanted, natural, implanted, natural, implanted, natural and implanted. I wouldn't be surprised if Simpson got even bigger and took on the role. She might be refusing it now, but it isn't like she has many options. I think they're going to have a hard time casting this sucker, so don't be surprised if we're left wondering for a while.