kristanna loken Tagged Articles at Cinematical

Yes, you read that headline correctly. Dr. Uwe Boll, the notorious filmmaker behind the likes of House of the Dead, Bloodrayne, In the Name of the King: a Dungeon Siege Tale, Alone in the Dark, and Postal, has made a film - a serious one - about the ongoing conflict in the Darfur region of Sudan. I imagine you're as surprised as everyone else.

I first heard about the film, titled simply Darfur, about a month ago at the Fantastic Fest Q&A for Boll's man-on-a-killing-spree movie Rampage. The director casually referred to the film as if it was no big deal, though it was obvious that everyone in the room was as stunned as I. When pressed for more information, Boll explained that he felt the world was turning a blind eye to the crimes against humanity that are committed daily in Darfur, and that as an artist, the only way he felt he could make a difference was if he made a film about it.

Now it would be easy to not take the film seriously given who is involved, but I can attest that there was genuine frustration in Boll's voice when he talked about tackling the material. However, the credibility he earned by showing a more noble side than one normally sees in his filmography quickly took a nose dive as Boll explained he used actual Darfur refugees in making the film. That sounds no alarms at first, but he further explained that he had actual rape victims in his cast, victims who were asked to re-enact their rape on camera; because that kind of 'honesty' was the only way he could capture how dire the situation is.

Just a year ago, Edward Furlong signed on for some uber-charming, puke-eating, Uwe Boll torture with Stoic. I guess he just can't get enough of the man, because now he's leading the next Boll feature -- also mentioned in that news piece -- Janjaweed. But he's not only signing on -- he's also bringing a Terminator with him. Variety reports that he's going to star in the film, alongside Kristanna Loken and the bald-headed wonder Billy Zane.

The second Boll flick to get serious, if that's even possible, Janjaweed will look into the world of Sudan genocide, focusing on journalists who have to decide whether they want to stay and help the victims they see, or hit the road and report on their experiences. Like Stoic, the film has a treatment, but no script, so it'll be all improvisation.

A film dealing with the turmoil in Sudan is a good thing, but Boll taking a stab at it is just sad. Considering how he previously bragged about how much time he focused the camera on puke eating, I can't imagine this having any merit whatsoever, beyond another reason to detest the man. Yeah, he wants to enter the arthouse world, but bragging about bile just shows how ridiculous that notion is.

It saddens me that these guys are desperate enough to do "serious" Boll. Especially Zane. Can't anyone give the man something more appealing to act in?

I suppose that reviewing an Uwe Boll film is a lot like having a fancy restaurant critic do a write-up on McDonald's new McGristle sandwich -- but I'm not "fancy" by any definition of the word, and I've grown madly in love with Uwe Boll's enthusiastically slipshod filmmaking techniques. So to those who thought miracles were actually possible, I have some disappointing news: Boll's latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, is every bit as consistently awful as the director's earlier offerings -- only it's 126 minutes long. And that's just not fair.

Also unfair is the stunningly blatant way in which Mr. Boll tries to rip off the Lord of the Rings trilogy in this chintzy little epic. Every other sequence has a musical cue, a costume, a bit of dialog, or a background character that just fell off the Hobbit truck. If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then Uwe Boll just spent 126 minutes telling Peter Jackson how thin, talented and gorgeous he is. To be completely fair, I did notice a few components (mainly the action scene editing and a few moments of strangely effective cinematography) that manage to improve upon films like Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead and BloodRayne -- but really, you could probably improve upon those three movies using only a cell phone camera and a powerful flashlight.

For a flick that runs two hours, the plot is distressingly skimpy: Villains are ransacking the countryside, so a farmer called Farmer takes up arms, grabs a few sidekicks, and heads out to destroy the evil and perpetually cackling Boss Villain. That's it, really. But we're not going to see an Uwe Boll video game adaptation for the plot, are we? No. We're usually watching his flicks for the sheer unintentional hilarity of it all, but King is even better because it's an ensemble piece! We've got...

Cinematical favorite Uwe Boll has just signed a deal with Brightlight Pictures to bring BloodRayne 2 to a DVD store near you, a piece of news that inspires one to throws one's hands up in the air, look around the room vacantly and mutter "Gee, thanks a lot, Brightlight Pictures."

Citing inspirations like Sergio Leone and John Ford, Dr. Boll is all kinds of psyched about BloodRayne 2, which will actually be a prequel that takes place in The Wild West. (Nope, juast kidding; BloodRayne took place in Renaissance Faire times, so the Wild West setting would still make this a sequel.) And this isn't just ANY horror / action / western sprequel, oh no. Uwe's breakin' out some new weapons on this production: Gone is original Rayne Kristanna Loken, and in her stead we'll get an all-new seksy-vamp chicklet: Natassia Malthe, who played "Typhoid" in Elektra and will soon be appearing in the oft-delayed jiggle-fu epic DOA: Dead or Alive, will be stepping into the demanding role of Betty BloodRayne. So those who were just sure that Loken was Grace Kelly to Uwe Boll's Hitchcock, well, this is a sad day for both of you.

According to ComingSoon.net, BR2 will be written by film editor Christopher Donaldson and assistant cameraman Neil Every. Boll, for his part, still has to finish scotch-taping together his long-awaited trilogy of Seed, Postal and In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale before he can get down to his BloodRayne prequel. Hey Uwe, I speak for most of the world's movie geeks when I say: Take your time.

And the Boll just keeps on rolling. Our excellent new guy Kevin Kelly recently shared some sequel news regarding Dr. Uwe Boll, but I hope you'll forgive me for expelling just a little extra information -- and venom ...

As if it weren't enough to treat our planet to the ultra-junkernaut trilogy that is House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and BloodRayne, to bitch about his well-earned and frequent criticisms, and to pummel a bunch of skinny kids into submission in a boxing ring ...

As if it weren't enough to threaten us with Seed, Postal and (god help us) In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale ... the guy's got more love yet to give: According to one of JoBlo's scoopers, Dr. Boll is planning not only that sequel called BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, but also something that's being described as "a sequel to Alone in the Dark." Argh! Nerdbuzz indicates that Kristanna Loken will be returning to play Ms. Rayne, and also that Christian Slater may be returning for his own indecipherable sequel. (Hey, actors gotta eat.)

Oh Uwe. Frankly, I just love this guy. He makes my job fun. He really does. I mean, how many filmmakers would be confident enough to mount sequels to flicks this amazingly bad? OK, Adam Shankman might, true. That's an easy one, but most filmmakers generally try to separate themselves from earlier failures -- whereas Bollman seems to revel in his cinematic travesties like a pigs wallows in their own ... well ... poop.

But hey, bring on the sequels, I say. Unintentional hilarity is still hilarity.

Just when BloodRayne was starting to slip from our memories, up pops Kristanna Loken to remind us that the Uwe Boll is far from being finished. Despite the amazingly dismal performance of their last effort, the actor-director team of Loken and Boll are at it again, as they are now pushing out their already completed video game-to-movie masterpiece In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. In her attempts to defend the failure of BloodRayne and spin some positive light on Dungeon Siege, even Loken is forced to make a passive admission that Rayne was not exactly stellar work.

In a recent interview with Sci Fi Wire, Loken addressed the two films. She began by noting how "very surprised" she was at the box office failure of BloodRayne - if this is true, she's one of about five people in the known and unknown world. The utter untruth of what she was saying must have finally broke something within her, however, as she immediately followed that up with an admission that Uwe Boll "does not have a great track record," which honestly is about the kindest way to describe his persistent directorial career. She closed her comments on the film with a stunning recommendation, saying "Hey, I'm going to be objective. It's not going to win any awards, but I thought for what it was it was a pretty decent film." Wow, resounding praise from the film's star. I can't WAIT to hear what she has to say about Dungeon Siege.

I realize it sounds like a huge lie, but Wesley Morris of the Boston Globe had a great time watching BloodRayne. Seriously. It apparently filled several needs that Morris didn't even know he had, primary among them a desire to see "a celebrity death match between Kristanna Loken and the increasingly shameless Ben Kingsley." Sweet, a hot chick and an Oscar winner trying to kill one another- really, who can't get behind that? While the writer's affection for the movie stems mostly from the fact that he decides it's trashy fun, he claims that the writing by Guinevere Turner is actually sort of "smart." I know it seems impossible in a film that is both directed by Uwe Boll and based on a non-Lara Croft video game but, according to Morris, the script gives BloodRayne "the woman's backbone usually missing from these wet T-shirt contests." Who knew?

I don't know about you, but I'm very alarmed by this development. The movie already has vampires - and Meat Loaf, too. I'm already only resisting by the skin of my teeth; the last thing I need is an encouraging review. And, I mean, the man is a professional movie critic, people - not Boll's mom, or even a rabid gamer!

Even if there's no way you'll be persuaded to drop money on a Boll film, the review, which concludes with the brave assertion that the "film might be the first of its kind: something to bring Maxim subscribers, video gamers, and loyal Logo viewers together" is certainly worth a read.