larry the cable guy Tagged Articles at Cinematical

As the season marches on, 'for your consideration' ads litter the trades and various awards analysis websites. However, there aren't nearly enough campaigns for the year's worst performances.

You have your obnoxious kids (Jaden Smith in The Day The Earth Stood Still, Logan Lerman in Meet Bill). You have your touched individuals who straddle the line between functional and, ahem, 'full retard' (Sophie Okonedo in The Secret Life of Bees, Omar Benson Miller in Miracle at St. Anna, David Morse in Hounddog). You've got your guys that give 'insane' a bad name (Jason Butler Harner in Changeling, Donny Osmond in College Road Trip), and you've got your girls that give English a bad name (Ahney Her in Gran Torino, Natalya Rudakova in Transporter 3).

Oh, and then there's just about the entire cast of The Happening. (If I had to pick just one person, though, I'd go with the gardener who babbles on about hot dogs. The man's priceless.)

So, unless we're about to let Witless Protection sweep the Razzies, what were some of your least favorite performances of the year?

I was one of the hardy souls who endured the recent Larry The Cable Guy atrocity Witless Protection, and when I wasn't bleeding out the eyes or praying aloud for the sweet release of death, I was noticing something peculiar: The film has an FBI character named Alonzo Mosely, which was also the name of an FBI character in Midnight Run. In and of itself, that could be a coincidence. But take into account that both Alonzo Moselys are played by the same actor, Yaphet Kotto, and that both are responsible for tracking down on-the-run witnesses who are supposed to testify against the Mafia, and you realize this was done on purpose.

So that's cute, I thought. I figured they probably hired Kotto, realized how similar the character was to the one he played in Midnight Run, and renamed the new character as a little inside joke. Universal Pictures isn't laughing, though, and not just because they watched a Larry The Cable Guy movie. According to The Hollywood Reporter's law blog (not written by Bob Loblaw, unfortunately), they're suing Lionsgate for copyright infringement and seek to stop all further distribution of Witless Protection, including the DVD release scheduled for June 10.

That's right: If Universal wins the case, the movie will be taken out of circulation. Regardless of the legal ramifications, I see this as a victory for society.

If there's anything more pathetic in the movie business than a witless novelty act who somehow struck gold and grew some delusions of talent, it's a witless novelty act who somehow struck gold and grew some delusions of talent -- but is blissfully unaware that his 15 minutes of fame have long since expired and so he still keeps churning out worthless garbage for the masses. Yes friends, I just got back from checking out the latest "Larry the Cable Guy" movie. It's called Delta Farce and it is, without question, one of the worst comedies I've ever seen. I know this is just one guy's opinion, but when someone who's seen about 9,000 movies uses the words "worst" and "ever" when describing a new film, you might want to heed that person's advice. And I use the word "film" not as a synonym for "movie," but to mean "very similar to that stuff that accumulates on your teeth when you forget to brush."

Since everyone even remotely connected to the conception, production and release of Delta Farce knows that it's a shameless piece of crap, the film did not screen for the press. As it was my assignment to review this film (thereby smashing all those fallacies that critics always have an enviable job), I decided to walk in to the experience with some high hopes. Sure, "Cable Guy" has tortured me with his worthless stand-up routines and that astonishingly awful Health Inspector movie -- but I figure if you HAVE to see a movie, your best bet is to walk in with a small sense of optimism. Yes, even if the movie in question features something called "Larry the Cable Guy." But just to be a jerk, I bought a ticket for 28 Weeks Later before walking straight into Delta Farce. A petty move, but it made me feel good.

Yes, apparently Jenny McCarthy is still around (remember when she was, like, the hottest thing going on MTV's Singled Out?) And, apparently, dating Jim Carrey doesn't help much when it comes to landing the big big-screen roles -- I mean, I assume one still has to posses a tiny bit of talent. (Here's where all you rabid Jenny McCarthy supporters get to climb out from under that rock and call me names for insulting your beloved.) In case you at home are still interested in following McCarthy's fascinating on-screen career, the girl has just signed on to star opposite Larry the Cable Guy (moving up in the world, huh?) in Witless Protection, a new comedy we told you about the other day.

In the pic, which is being directed by Charles Carner from his own script, McCarthy will play girlfriend to Larry's character; a small-town sheriff who witnesses what he believes is a woman being abducted, but later finds out that her abductors are really FBI agents assigned to protect her and deliver her to some big Enron-type trial to testify. Only, these FBI guys aren't exactly playing by the rules. Yup, they're corrupt. And they're up to no good. Which means Larry the Cable Guy will have to put down the Budweiser, figure out what the hell is going on and -- you guessed it -- Git-R-Done (which, in Larry language, means "save the day"). Also starring in the film are Ivana Milicevic, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stormare, Joe Mantegna and Eric Roberts. Production is set to begin next month in Chicago. Oh, and in case you're just itching for some more McCarthy, she can next be seen in the film Wieners (about three guys who drive cross country in a wiener-mobile), which I imagine will hit DVD shelves sometime this year.

So far, Larry's (Dan Whitney) been the cable guy, the military guy, that blue collar comedy guy and, to some (like me), a guy that's just not very funny. But screw what I think, apparently his shtick is popular enough that it warrants a number of crappy films -- in fact, the Hollywood Reporter tells us he's just signed on to one more. Git-R-Done! This time, he'll be Larry the Witness Protection Guy in a flick called -- wait for it -- Witless Protection. Because, see, he's a moron and he'll have to protect someone. Parallel Entertainment Pictures is financing and producing after doing so on the last two Larry-related pics; Lionsgate will distribute.

Charles Carner will direct off his own script, which follows a small-town sheriff who witnesses what he thinks is a kidnapping, though it actually turns out to be FBI agents assigned to protect a girl and deliver her to an Enron-type corruption trial. Of course, the FBI guys are eventually outed as the bad guys and, well, Larry (or whoever he's playing this time) will have to Git-R-Done! Also starring are Ivana Milcevic, Yaphet Kotto, Peter Stormare, Joe Mantegna (trying to make rent, Joe?) and Eric Roberts. Production begins next month, and I'm sure we'll get to watch this puppy shoot straight to number one at the box office next year.

There it is, folks -- the unveiling of the brand-new poster for Delta Farce, the upcoming war comedy that calls to mind such classic flicks as Stripes and Spies Like Us.

The film stars Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall and DJ Qualls as three beer-swilling blue-collar buddies who get mistaken for Army Reservists and shipped off to the Iraq War. Sounds kind of serious, you say? Well, things take a turn for the funny when the buddies get mistakenly dumped in Mexico and -- convinced they are indeed in the Middle East -- end up defending a rural village from a karaoke-loving warlord (Danny Trejo). Look for Delta Farce in theaters May 11.

POST: What do you think of the poster?

POST: Are you excited for the movie?

SEE IT: Delta Farce trailer | Movie details

Not since the days of Ernest Joins the Army have you seen a trailer like this one. The title of the movie is Delta Farce, but based on what Dictionary.com tells me, a "farce" is "a light, humorous play in which the plot depends upon a skillfully exploited situation rather than upon the development of character." You go watch the trailer yourself and tell me if we don't have a case of false advertising here.

Starring Keith David, DJ Qualls and (yes) Larry the Cable Guy (who describes the movie as "The Three Stooges meets Platoon" (lord help us), Delta Farce looks to be some sort of parody of the Iraq war, but since it's about three idiots who accidentally "invade" Mexico, somehow I doubt it's all that interested in social satire or insightful jokes. Lionsgate presently has the movie scheduled for a May 11 release date, but I'm expecting that date to get pushed back (and directly to video) some time soon. Just a reminder: Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector grossed about $16 million in domestic box office last year. So if you paid money to go see that one, I blame you for Delta Farce.

Pretend you're a New Line exec. One of the 35 writers whose pitch you're scheduled to list to today comes into your office, and it's really hard to even stay away, honestly. You're staring into space, thinking about girls and hearing Charlie Brown's teacher as the guy's mouth moves until you hear eight magical words: "I wrote The Dukes of Hazzard: The Beginning." Suddenly, you're upright in your chair and totally focused on the kid. Why, he looks smart. Definitely smart. And clearly hilarious -- why didn't you notice this before? His name, it turns out, is Shane Morris, and his pitch involves the word "Redneck." Beyond stoked, you leap out of your chair to shake his hand, scream "SOLD!" and head out for a victory round of golf.

The sad thing, friends, is that this really happened -- it's no idle fantasy. New Line has picked up a comedy pitch from the writer of the Dukes of Hazzard prequel. And it's not like they overlooked that based on the quality and stature of his previous work -- that's the only thing he's ever written. The pitch is called Redneck Games, and "centers on a famous athlete who's fallen from grace and tries to redeem himself by competing at the Redneck Games, (which were launched in 1996 as a response to the Summer Olympics in Atlanta)." Man, I just hope Larry The Cable Guy is available, because this thing is going to BLOW UP! Sigh.

Despite fairly disastrous theatrical experiences so far, Larry The Cable Guy (aka Daniel Whitney) and his Blue Collar standup friends are pressing forward with their cinematic careers, this time with a comedy called Delta Farce (yes, even the title is frightfully clever). Though Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie was a box office bomb for Warner Brothers (it cost only $2 million, but grossed a paltry $604,000), and Whitney's own star vehicle, Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector had some rough times (According to Variety, the film had a $45 opening night -- no, I've not left off any zeros -- in the Bronx. Can you imagine?), anything Blue Collar-related makes big money on DVD sales, which probably explains why studios keep coming back for more.

Delta Farce will star Whitney, Bill Engvall, and a third Blue Collar comedian (there's a massive, Blue Collar cage match scheduled for later this week: the winner gets the gig) as "inept, Iraq-bound Army reservists who are mistakenly dropped into Mexico and liberate a small village from marauders." The movie starts shooting next month, and Lionsgate will have it in theaters in spring, 2007. Gee, I can hardly wait.

(The above image is from Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Aren't you glad you won't be seeing it?)

Here's a shock: of the three major releases this weekend, neither Health Inspector nor Stay Alive (Inside Man is the third) was screened for critics. Stay Alive, like most of the relatively cheap, audience-pleasing horror flicks that have been released in the past year or so, promises sadism, blood and, if you're lucky, pretty young girls threatened with sexual violence - really, do you need critics to tell you that? And anyone who goes to see Health Inspector after seeing the ads (Sushi is raw? Hilarious!) doesn't deserve to be warned by critics anyway. So, in sum: Health Inspector (presumably) sucks, Stay Alive (most likely) sucks and, what do you know, Spike Lee can make a movie that's nothing more than slick and fun to watch!

• Inside Man: Like James, the great majority of critics really, really like this one. The lovers describe it variously as a "crackling heist thriller", "the kind of seamless diversion that should be a stock item in Hollywood, but isn't", and "flawlessly cast and marvelously acted and directed", all of which are the kind of praise about which filmmakers dream. Just to make sure Lee doesn't get too big for his proverbial britches, however, there are a few who don't love it, the most negative of whom - the very angry Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian - turns in the kind of review that could crush a young director's very soul. Try this, for example, on for size: "You could try emptying Lake Victoria with a teaspoon...or getting into your house with front-door key made of marzipan. Any of these activities would be less of a waste of time than watching this supremely annoying and nonsensical film from Spike Lee." OUCH. I think I'm shaking a little bit, just out of sympathy.