penny arcade Tagged Articles at Cinematical

Vampires are interesting. They're most often the baddies to become good guys. Maybe it's because they can still look pretty, or maybe it's because their method of killing can be so sexy. (A hot neck bite is a whole lot more preferable than, say, a wolfy mauling.) Whatever it is, we ascribe this whole hierarchy of acceptable and unacceptable vampiric behavior. For example, it's okay if they're killers -- whether it's human baddies they can mind read or killing sprees long ago -- but it's totally not kosher if they happen to watch you as you sleep. They have cornered this weird, batty scale of seduction and goodness, and the public loves them -- they're hot as all holy hell when it comes to media these days.

In response to the rampant sharp-toothed push, Penny Arcade has decided to figure out what's next. As you can see above, they're thinking tousley-haired mummies. It's certainly a step in the right direction. Wolves are too darned hairy for most, and zombies reek while having a tendency to mumble and grotesquely fall apart. But mummies -- they've got the mystery factor as well. Who knows what's under the wrapping? They're still human-sized; they can still wear clothing; and hey, that whole two-arms out-stretched thing is just asking for a dark embrace.

Could mummies be the next wave of horrific romance?

As we've previously mentioned, Uwe Boll's latest flick Bloodrayne, which hit theatres this weekend, was not screened for media or critics- which brings to mind a certain Penny Arcade strip from awhile back. At any rate, for reasons unfathomable, a large amount of people have been searching various internet engines and sites for Bloodrayne. We can only conclude that this comes from some sort of morbid curiosity of the sort that makes you slow down and rubberneck when you're passing a particularly bad accident on the roadside. You people know this sucker is going to be awful, and you're inexplicably drawn to know just HOW awful it is. Ergo, the Team here decided that despite Dr. Boll's "not for critics" stance, we were going to do our best to bring you an opening day review of Bloodrayne, to satisfy your sense of shadenfreude.

I swear by all that is holy, the following events are quite true.

An attempt was made to see this film last night, so that we could bring you an early review. Before the previews (trailers, if you like) even started to roll, a disasterous accident occured which apparently left the projector broken. Broken a lot, as the hopeful ticketholders were informed that it would be at least two days before it could be sufficiently repaired. I have no idea what sort of break takes that long to repair, but I figure it's got to be a doozy. At any rate, I am forced to conclude that one of two things happened.

1. Uwe Boll's latest epic was so tremendously horrible that it actually broke the projector before it could even make it to the screen.
2. The Almighty intervened to protect his child from terrible pain.

At this point, the closest theater to me that will be showing Bloodrayne this weekend is more than two hours away and in a different state. And frankly, I just don't think it's worth that. So if you want to see Bloodrayne, you're going to have to do so without the prior opinions and warning of Cinematical's geek beat writer-but beware; you may be risking Divine Wrath by doing so.