santa claus conquers the martians Tagged Articles at Cinematical

I usually review a recent release for Killer B's, but in light of the holiday season I decided to cast a critical eye at 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Be advised, however, that this is an ASTONISHINGLY bad movie, and only the most seasoned of B-movie enthusiasts should attempt watching it in its purest form as it has been known to cause brain damage. More to the point, it appears to have been made by people with brain damage. As a service to the Cinematical readership I'll be reviewing the version of the film that ran on the late great television series Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MST3K) and is currently available on DVD from Rhino Video.

For those that may not have seen it (and if not I suggest you remedy the situation ASAP), the show ran from 1989 - 1996 on Comedy Central before switching over to the Sci Fi Channel for 1997 - 1999. The premise was that a man (series creator Joel Hodgson at first, later replaced by Mike Nelson) has been trapped in an orbiting space ship with a handful of homemade robot sidekicks by a pair of mad scientists. Each week said mad scientists force their prisoner to watch an incredibly cheesy old movie as part of a diabolical experiment. The bulk of the show dealt with Joel (or Mike) and the 'bots sitting in the ship's theater adding comments and jokes to the movie, usually to hiliarious effect.

Lots of Christmas songs appear in lots of movies, and we all know how bad and how monotonous they can get. The following is a list of seven Christmas songs in seven Christmas movies that stand out. They're used for some particular purpose, rather than just dressing. Hopefully these songs lend new meaning to their movies, and vice versa. And in the end, everything becomes just a little more tolerable.

1. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," from Meet Me in St. Louis (1944)
This song has become a standard, of course. But looking at its very first performance by Judy Garland shows that it was actually meant ironically. Esther Smith (Garland) sings it while looking out the window at a forlorn winter's night, her sister Tootie (Margaret O'Brien) at her side. (The family may have to move away from their beloved St. Louis home.) Tears flow, and the scene is accompanied by Tootie's wanton destruction of a carefully-crafted family of snow people on the lawn.

2. "Christmas in Hollis," from Die Hard (1988)
While waiting in a limo, just downstairs from the chaos in his wife's building, John McClane (Bruce Willis) listens to the radio. The limo driver Argyle (De'voreaux White) plays the just-released hip-hop Christmas song by Run-DMC. "Don't you have any Christmas music?" McClane asks. "This is Christmas music!" Argyle replies excitedly, moving to the beat. I'm not sure how many other hip-hop Christmas songs have been recorded since then, but they have some big shoes to fill. (Runner-up: "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" played during the closing credits.)

Do you like a little dark twist with your holiday movies? Maybe you're tired of always seeing Santa as the good guy, or watching some grouchy old holiday hater redeemed at the end of the movie. Perhaps you're a fan of cult movies with early appearances by unusual acting talent, bizarre and inappropriate music, or acting so amateurish you either have to laugh or run screaming from the room. In other words, you need cult films to get you through the holidays, not that contemporary Hollywood blockbuster stuff.

Originally this post was entitled "Cult Christmas Movies," but I got lucky and remembered a certain Hanukkah-related cult favorite from a few years ago. Once I started, there were so many movies to choose from. I had to decide whether Kiss Kiss Bang Bang counted as a holiday cult film (not yet), whether it was worth including Santa Claus: The Movie just because the title character is played by the actor who played the elder Jeffrey Lebowski in The Big Lebowski (David Huddleston), and whether I should include The Poseidon Adventure (or its remake) simply because I didn't have a New Year's Eve movie on the list.

Feel free to share any favorite holiday-themed cult movies that aren't on this list. 'Tis the season for some of us to enjoy some really good bad movies.

The term "turkey" was long ago coined to describe either bad movies or huge financial flops, and there is a long list of them. (Although Kevin Costner movies like Waterworld or The Postman could better be described as "ham.") I combed through the trash to find seven treasures that I would actually recommend; these are the Butterballs.

1. Ishtar (1987, Elaine May)
Today, it's actually fairly difficult to see Ishtar, that "musical comedy" starring Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, even if you wanted to. It hasn't yet been released on DVD (except in the UK), and I bet most of those old VHS tapes have been carefully disposed of. But Elaine May's famous flop deserves reconsideration, if only because recent years have shown that May's first three films, A New Leaf (1971), The Heartbreak Kid (1972) and Mikey and Nicky (1977), were masterworks way ahead of their time.