seed Tagged Articles at Cinematical

When Uwe Boll needed House of the Dead to be distributed in North America, he went to Artisan. (For the record, Artisan is now extinct.) For Alone in the Dark he went with Lionsgate, and they learned their lesson pretty fast. When it came time for BloodRayne, Boll had a fiasco with a company called Romar. But for his next three films, all of which are already "in the can" (and man can he really crank those movies out!), Dr. Boll has signed a deal with Freestyle Releasing, distributor of titles like Find Me Guilty, Civic Duty and Dirty Deeds.

Those who've been eagerly anticipating the star-studded Dungeon Siege flick will have to wait until January 18 of next year. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Freestyle and Boll are planning a 2,500 screen release and they plan to spend about $20 million in marketing. (Yeah, but it's still coming out in the middle of January, and we all know what that means.) For those who love goofy ensembles, I'll remind you that In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (the title reeks of future sequels, doesn't it?) stars Jason Statham, Leelee Sobieski, Ray Liotta, Ron Perlman, Matthew Lillard, John Rhys-Davies, Claire Forlani, Kristanna Loken and Burt Reynolds as King Konreid. Seriously, I can't wait.

We won't have to wait as long for Uwe Boll's Postal adaptation, which Freestyle plans to release in 500 theaters on September 28. That one's a Troma-lookin' splat-sick type of comedy that stars Zack Ward, Dave Foley, Seymour Cassel and Verne Troyer as himself. As far as the hardcore horror flick Seed is concerned, no date is set just yet, but Freestyle seems to be aiming for early next year. (And if they release the movie as "Uwe Boll's Seed" I simply won't go see it. That's just gross.)

Freestyle co-president Marke Borde had this to say about the three-flick deal: "I don't chase movies based on video games and any pre-awareness that those franchises might have with an audience. I chase movies that are good."

No comment.

So it's been a little while since I posted anything about Uwe Boll, but this rather excellent article from GameDaily was precisely what I needed to recharge my Boll batteries. With no less than six inevitably awesome projects in the works, I suppose we can get ready for 2007: The Year of the Boll. Ugh, let's just break this celluloid carnage down into bullet points:

• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale -- The $60 million all-star action-adventure is, as they say, "in the can" and clocking in at just over two hours in length. Boll promises a nearly 3-hour version on DVD. The flick recently played at AFM and allegedly received ... praise! Awesome.
• BloodRayne 2 -- The $8.5 million sequel swaps Kristanna Loken for Natassia Malthe, but brings in Michael Pare to play Pat Garrett and Zack Ward for Billy the Kid. Yeah, it's a western -- and Billy the Kid is also a vampire. Yes, seriously. Regarding the subtler nuances of subtextual characterization, Boll says "We're going more bad ass in a way because BloodRayne does not have the internal battle of morality and integrity." Sounds like someone's been going to English class! Oh, and apparently there will almost definitely be a BloodRayne 3. Sweet!
  
• Postal -- Nearing completion and inevitably whacked. Guess who's starring? Zack Ward and Michael Pare. It's like DeVito/Douglas/Turner all over again.
• Seed -- Still coming somewhat soon: A horror movie. Michael Pare is starring. Yeah, Boll's found his muse in the Eddie and the Cruisers dude. IMDb says this movie is "completed," so keep your eyes peeled as you wander past that $5.50 DVD rack at Walmart.
  
• Far Cry -- Production begins in Hawaii this May, and Uwe seems pretty pumped about this particular project. Jason Statham may star, but apparently he's waiting to see how Dungeon Siege is received before he signs on with Boll again. (Statham must have a new agent.) Boll expects game company Ubisoft to be extra-helpful where the Far Cry movie is concerned, which hasn't happened on his previous projects ... for various and obvious reasons.
• Alone in the Dark 2 -- With his hilariously packed schedule, Boll couldn't possibly direct this (entirely unnecessary) sequel, so he's handing the franchise off to the guys who wrote the first Alone in the Dark -- which is sort of like leaving a lit candle in charge of 45 megatons of dynamite. Christian Slater might be returning for the sequel, but if not the director definitely wants someone "who looks like" the character in the video game. This guy's casting agents must have the world's funnest job.

...and when all this is over and done with, Uwe Boll wants to direct a movie about the Vietnam War. So which one will it be: Medal of Honor or Call of Duty? And how big will Michael Pare's role be?

And the Boll just keeps on rolling. Our excellent new guy Kevin Kelly recently shared some sequel news regarding Dr. Uwe Boll, but I hope you'll forgive me for expelling just a little extra information -- and venom ...

As if it weren't enough to treat our planet to the ultra-junkernaut trilogy that is House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark and BloodRayne, to bitch about his well-earned and frequent criticisms, and to pummel a bunch of skinny kids into submission in a boxing ring ...

As if it weren't enough to threaten us with Seed, Postal and (god help us) In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale ... the guy's got more love yet to give: According to one of JoBlo's scoopers, Dr. Boll is planning not only that sequel called BloodRayne 2: Deliverance, but also something that's being described as "a sequel to Alone in the Dark." Argh! Nerdbuzz indicates that Kristanna Loken will be returning to play Ms. Rayne, and also that Christian Slater may be returning for his own indecipherable sequel. (Hey, actors gotta eat.)

Oh Uwe. Frankly, I just love this guy. He makes my job fun. He really does. I mean, how many filmmakers would be confident enough to mount sequels to flicks this amazingly bad? OK, Adam Shankman might, true. That's an easy one, but most filmmakers generally try to separate themselves from earlier failures -- whereas Bollman seems to revel in his cinematic travesties like a pigs wallows in their own ... well ... poop.

But hey, bring on the sequels, I say. Unintentional hilarity is still hilarity.

Y'know, if Uwe Boll decides to off himself one day, we're all gonna feel pretty darn awful about it. Seriously, we will. No matter how earth-shatteringly ridiculous the guy's movies are (and dear jeebus are they), he's still a human being with thoughts and hopes and emotions and dreams -- plus, and I mean this, the modern movie landscape really is a whole lot more colorful with a little Uwe mixed in. If there was no Boll, who would we make fun of? Adam Shankman? Meh. Movie geeks like us need our Uwe Bolls. Plus I'll go on record right now with a semi-compliment for for the guy: His movies sure aren't boring. And nowadays Boll's flicks are funnier than Adam Sandler's. Intent be damned, laughs are laughs.

Having said all that, Seed, Dr. B's next movie is based on the following premise: "If a death row convict survives three full zaps in the electric chair, then legally he is allowed to go free." (What lawyer came up with that rule, and more importantly, what event predicated such a bizarre loophole?) As if a guy who survives 15,000 volts (times three) would be in any condition to "go" anywhere other than a well-staffed burn unit. But we're talking about Uwe Boll, most likely fresh from a VHS screening of Wes Craven's Shocker, so perhaps now isn't the time to be discussing things that make sense. So with the ultra-anticipated-by-me In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale somewhere on the limited-release-for-six-days horizon, Dr. B is now hard at work on Seed, evidence of which can be found at SKNR.net -- but don't be stealing those photos because they're extra-exclusive and whatnot.

Starring Ralf Moeller as the warden, Michael Paré as the detective, Andrew Jackson as the doctor, and Will Sanderson as extra-crispy bucket 'o' serial killer Max Seed, Seed is Uwe Boll's first non-video game production since the head-smackingly awful Heart of America, which I once referred to as "the Colombine tragedy as translated into coloring book form." Anyway, the quicker Uwe gets done with Seed, the sooner we'll have a new project to chuckle over. I hope the guy makes eight more movies in the next five years. (He's already started on this one -- and you thought you'd never see a movie starring Ron Perlman and Gary Coleman.)

Y'know, for all the flak we toss at Dr. Uwe Boll, we should thank the guy for at least one thing: Every time he opens his mouth or announces a new movie, we get to have a whole lot of fun with the information. At this point, the guy probably gets more Google hits than Tom Cruise, and that always trickles down to extra traffic for the flick blogs. Fun!

Anyway, you know how Bollboy's most recent flicks (House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, and the upcoming and inevitably hilarious Dungeon Siege) are all based on video games? Well get this: His next movie ... isn't! I know, it's crazy! An actual horror movie that's not based on anything related to Xbox, Playstation, or VIC-20! Simply astounding.

Apparently production has already began on Uwe Boll's Seed (ew), and here's the scoop: It's about a convict who refuses to be killed in the electric chair and then gets buried alive, only to climb out of the grave and wreak wet, sloppy revenge on all those who wronged him. And here's the coolest part: According to Boll's weekly press release, Seed will offer a "reign of violence that will redefine the boundaries of extreme gore, physical and mental torture explored through cinema."

Yowch. Sounds like someone's playing Seed/Saw.