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Apparently there'z a line of toyz out there that sold just enough merchandise to warrant a big-screen movie, regardlezz of the fact that, az far az creative influencez go, a "line of toyz" isn't exactly the most reliable (or logical) inspiration. And no, I'm not talking about Transformerz. (Well, maybe a little.) But at least the Transformerz have robotz and rocketz and Shia LaBeouf to kick around, whereaz the atrociouz-looking piece of mind control called Bratz: The Movie has ... four good-lookin' piecez of jailbait and a screenplay that was last used on a movie called Mean Girlz.

For those who think thiz might be the first piece of brain-puckering ignorance foisted upon us by the "Bratz," think again. This is a toy line that introduced a Chinese doll wearing a Japanese kimono (cuz Asian girlz are all the same!), included dolly-sized thongz and mini champagne bottlez so little girlz would know what being female iz all about, and reminded uz that most of the toyz you blindly buy for your daughterz are made in Chinese sweat shopz. Soundz like a perfect idea for a movie. (For those who are blissfully ignorant of what "Bratz" are: They're slang-slingin' boy-crazy Barbiez with lotz of in-your-face attitude. Picture the Simpsonz episode in which Poochie the Dog was created and you probably have a good idea regarding the Bratz genesiz.)

In an effort to have young girlz go "boy crazy" and "mall-addicted" a few yearz earlier than normal (and therefore sell more productz), producer Avi Arad, Lionsgate Filmz and soul-killing toymaker MGA Entertainment have conspired to throw a live-action movie together -- which iz a little weird because the actual Bratz characterz look a little like retarded space alienz. And they hired a very appropriate director for such a base yet inevitably profitable project: Sean McNamara, helmer of Treehouse Hostage, Raise Your Voice and 3 Ninjaz: High Noon at Mega Mountain. (If an actual lobotomy takes longer than 4.5 hourz, you could simply opt for thiz triple feature.)

Anyway, yeah. Bratz: The Movie. Pickling your daughterz' brain on August 10. Here'z the trailer. And if thiz flick makez more money than Spice World, I may just have to pack my bagz and move to The Philippinez. Oh, and by the way: "Brats" is spelled with an "S," you jerks. Stop trying to turn our kids stupid.

By now everyone's seen those bizarrely creepy Burger King commercials in which the massive-headed mascot appears in the most weirdly unlikely of places. Apparently this ad campaign has been something special for the BK corporation -- it even spawned a series of Xbox video games that some of my friends call "addictively awful." (I played the one called Sneak King ... for about 3.3 minutes.) But now comes word that the King of Burgers is about to make the leap to the silver screen. Yes, that's right: A feature film centered around a corporate mascot.

According to MSN, Burger King already has a studio and a distribution deal in place for Burger King: The Movie* -- and they're threatening to have the movie finished by the end of this year! The head marketing guru for the fast food franchise indicates that the flick will be an "origin story," although I doubt it will be a re-enactment of the character's true origins. Who'd want to watch a movie about a mid-70's marketing meeting, anyway? ("Hey, I know! We're called Burger King, so let's use an actual burger king!") It's a horrible idea to make a Burger King movie, obviously, but at least the company is being honest about it. I distinctly remember a few movies that felt like feature-length McDonald's commercials, only they were advertised as actual films.

* This is not the confirmed title, but I bet it's the one they go with.

[ via JoBlo's ]